to be real
We all have secrets,
no matter how we try
they come out in some way,
someone always knows.
You are one of mine,
I don’t want you to be,
how can I tell of you when
I don’t know who you are?
Not of light nor darkness
eyes closed seen not being
eyes open memory clinging
unreal still believing
His: Another weekend, short skirt, low top should get you what you need, quickie gratification, live up to why you’re on here. Get touched up for real, jerking off guys on this site must be frustrating for you. I guess most suss you out quite quickly, not so bloody stupid as me to fall for you. By now you may well have had a few drinks so might get to see the real you, what the hell you might actually loosen up and say what you really mean?
Hers: That message was really horrible and unnecessary. It’s really quite alarming when I read back through our messages and see how drastically your tone has changed towards me in such a short space of time. I think I was wise not to rush into anything especially as you clearly only see me as cheap and chatting to loads of other men. You couldn’t be more wrong, what a shame, I hope you find what you are looking for.
His: If you’ve reread our messages then you will know the real me and realise that I had to do something drastic to find the real you. Do you honestly think I wanted to write that? I’ve found what I’m looking for, it’s you.
Hers: Well if you didn’t want to write it then why did you? It is very hurtful and nasty and I am really not sure at all how I feel about you or anything anymore after you being so horrible to me.
His: Look, I wrote ‘that’ message for a reason, to shake you up, to see if we really mattered to you, if I really mattered to you? Your reply this morning showed me the real you, the woman I always thought you were – you showed incredible maturity, despite the hurt, the provocation to lash out. You say you’re not sure of how you feel about me now, I think maybe you are even more sure than you were before, you are still messaging me for the same reason as I am you, neither of us could cope with losing each other – it really scares me, I’m still shaking, I took a huge risk last night, I had to, I had to bring things to a head.
Hers: Your message was cruel and nasty, but you sent it because you wanted to shake me up? I’ve seen another side of you, a side I don’t like. If you really had feelings for me, you wouldn’t have sent a message like that.
His: There is no way of explaining myself here is there? You know me, but choose to believe I’m bad and nasty, I know you, I know you’re not cheap, that’s why I said it, to get a reaction from you, to snap you out of being so damn passive, so irritatingly evasive, so annoyingly patronising on here. You are forever waiting, for what? The sun doesn’t shine out of my backside or yours and never will, so please get real, accept us as we are, yes with a few flaws, both a bit bloody minded at times, but wow what a pair we are, what a couple we could be, if only you could see. I guess you want me to go now, if so I’ll respect your wish.
Hers: I think you’ve shown what type of person you are by writing a message like that. I am an honest and sincere person and don’t like playing mind games, but you clearly do.
His: I see no possibility of understanding or forgiveness from you so why are you still messaging if I’m so evil, so beneath you, so not your type? What you think matters but what you think about me is wrong, but you’ll never know. It’s such a shame but if you really have nothing left in you for me, then please stop messaging me and I’ll go. And just so you know I got it wrong, I blew it, looks like I’ve lost the woman I love, but you won’t believe that either.
Hers: Because quite simply I can’t let go. I am desperately trying to work out why you said what you said. It upset me so much but then again it made me realise exactly how much you mean to me. Damn you, I still want you so much.
His & Hers raw words are extracts from a file of fictional messages written in recent years titled ‘Believing Sight Unseen.’ A first novel ‘Sam & Erin’ drawn from these extracts is nearing completion – a second novel ‘Sean & Ellie’ is in progress too.
His: You’re the most complex woman I’ve ever come across – such beauty, obvious intelligence, yet so suspicious and lacking in confidence. You really have been hurt and badly to need to hide yourself on here. That we met here is something of a miracle, that we stay here would be a tragedy and I will not let that happen. I can’t undo your past but I can be of your present, your future, as a friend and whatever else you find within yourself you need of me. I’m real, I’m genuine, above all I’m a man who somehow fell for you, and despite everything, I sense you feel the same?
Hers: Maybe it’s my intelligence which makes me be suspicious and decide on what I do. I do not want to get hurt again, and that is why I am not rushing things forwards. Everything has its time and place. No tragedies please, just keep positive.
His: My heart decides when it comes to you, against all logic, or what my mind says. Please listen to yours and if it says you want me, then call me.
Hers: I have to listen to my head as well and unless the two are in unison I can’t make myself move on. I think we are having fun and I want it to continue and see what happens.
His: No, we are not having fun. You are at the expense of my emotions. You ignore all I say, only want things to be your way not our way. You’re immunised against love, have not said a single word that shows you want me. Not in any way shown you care. It’s such a tragedy.
Hers: I think this talk is crazy after only chatting for such a short time. I am sorry that you seem to think I am selfish in some way. I don’t know what you want me to say to that. Makes me feel great so thank you!
His: Such a short time? Just one word left to say to you… enough!
Hers: Oh come on. In the grand scheme of things it is crazy to be saying that. Of course I have feelings for you but I cannot declare my undying love for you before we are face to face. Not only would it be naïve it would be meaningless – when I show you and tell you how I feel about you I want it to be special and amazing. The real tragedy is that you want to walk away now, and for what – because I keep my heart inside of me, because I want us to be real.
His & Hers raw words are extracts from a file of fictional messages written in recent years titled ‘Believing Sight Unseen.’ A first novel ‘Sam & Erin’ drawn from these extracts is nearing completion – a second novel ‘Sean & Ellie’ is being worked on too.
She’d leaned on him
as others had
let ease away
thing is this time
he needed her
His: The trouble is I doubt you, too much time has gone by, if you really cared you would surely have meet up with me by now. I think back a few months to when you said you loved me, I’d never been so happy, but then you withdrew your love saying you’re not sure, but all the time saying you never say anything unless you mean it. Do you really expect me to still believe that? You’d been saying we will meet soon for months, how gullible do you think I am? Read your so brief messages, where did the woman I used to know go. What the hell has happened to you?
Hers: Nothing has happened to me, I don’t know why you are saying that? I have issues I’m trying to get over but I don’t like to talk about my problems with you as I don’t want to bring you down so I keep a lot to myself and trapped inside. I feel let down by your message to be honest.
His: I can’t read your mind, I wish I could. I also wish you would share your problems with me and let me help you through them but I can’t do anything for you if you don’t trust me. Let me through your barrier and have me by your side for as long as you want and need me.
Hers: Well I’m not asking you to read my mind and I’d rather keep my problems to myself, they are personal and for me to deal with, sorry.
His: When I got back in touch you said I made you so happy and that I was in your heart, it moved me so much to hear you say that. But since you suggested our next step was to meet, and it was you, I just asked what happens next, you have been so indifferent and evasive. I can accept there’s an imbalance in our feelings for each other but even so, to say the least, I’m confused. I don’t know what to do?
Hers: I’m a little confused here too as I think you are reading things in the wrong way. I do not think there is an imbalance with our feelings and besides, we all do and show things in a different way. We are not all the same. Please try not to over analyse things as you will drive yourself crazy. You don’t need to do anything, okay.
His & Hers raw lines resumed – extracts from ‘Believing Sight Unseen’ – can’t quite believe it’s been a year since I posted His & Hers: Raw Lines #12 – subtle breeze…and nine months since Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #23 (novel to be published as ‘Sam and Erin – Believing Sight Unseen’)
Heart flip flopping on his sleeve
hers hung up in the wardrobe
strangers none more familiar than she
too close to read the spaces
Ever aching bending to her will
takes lines to crease a sheet
her every one deceived as tongue
he didn’t see until she’d gone