Their Days – Believing Sight Unseen – May #5

This the 5th part of Sam & Erin’s Story – revised, tightened and restored to it’s original narrative/message format. Turns out I’ve changed little in this part – the return of Sam from Brussels and his imminent departure to the Arctic – and the pressure that brings…

 

Saturday

Just a quick one, Erin. I stayed at a friend’s last night, but I’m now back home to a pile of junk mail through my letterbox, a misnomer if ever there was one. Made me think back to my youth, and a teenage girlfriend I’d met on holiday. Her letters I remember most – she was the first girl to show feelings for me through her written words. Decades on, another world, and written words connect us too – pull us close enough to touch, to feel something inside. Have a great birthday night out with your friends!

 
Your messages take me to another world. Each one shows me a bit more of you. I love it. If I tried to do the same mine would be rubbish next to yours. If that’s your quick one, I’m going to be a lucky girl. And yes, Sam – we will!

Sunday

You stir so many things in me, we have to meet and soon. Let’s try to sort something out for next week.

 
I know we need to meet, and I want to, it’s not a case of having to, okay? What we have to do is get the timing right and I’m sorry, but next week is not right for me. I can’t help it, I have too much on. I’d no idea we’d get this close this quick when we started this.

*

The thing is, Erin, and I’d thought you might have realised this, I’m only in the UK next week then I’ll be away for a while and won’t be able to keep in touch. Look, I’ll be in London on Tuesday. Why don’t we meet up at lunchtime, even if only for a coffee? It would be good to see you before I go.

 

Excuse me, what kind of message is that? What am I supposed to have realised? You’re the one who needs to look, Sam. I’ve told you I can’t meet up with you next week. It feels to me as though you are trying to tell me what to do and I don’t like it. I think you’re being unfair pushing me like this.

Monday

I didn’t see much point in responding yesterday – we’d have only ended up saying things we’d regret and made things even more difficult than they are. My instincts don’t usually let me down, but you are virgin territory to me. What I felt was a little nudge you took as a hefty push. I can see I will need to handle you with the most gentle touch.

 
You’re good at this, aren’t you, making me feel bad for what I said then making me laugh? ‘Virgin territory’, you silly sod, but then you get me wondering how unique a man like you could be?

*

You don’t have to wonder, Erin, but you’ll have to wait to find out as you can’t make this week. I’ll be off again from next Monday for a couple of weeks, maybe longer – it’s hard to tell until I’m out there. What’s keeping you so busy that you don’t have time for a coffee? I’m not having a dig, I’d genuinely like to know.

 
You may not think you’re having a dig, but it feels like it to me. It’s obviously not helping with you going away again – it’s putting pressure on both of us. I appreciate you’re only asking for coffee and a chat to begin with. I think that’s a great idea, but please can we keep chatting on here and sort something out when you get back?

*

You’re probably right. I guess we could wait a few weeks to meet, but something has to happen. A phone call, or even an e-mail? Surely you can see that?

 

I know what you’re saying, but it’s different for a woman. I’m not comfortable giving out my personal information until we meet. I’ve had a bad experience meeting a man online and I’m now extra cautious. I hope you can understand my need to feel safe. It’s not you, it’s just the way I am.

Wednesday

I was in London yesterday and what with one thing and another I didn’t have time to message you, so don’t go thinking I didn’t understand what you said. I did and I’m okay with it. Time is getting very tight for me – I haven’t done a field trip like this one for a while, and the preliminaries are quite demanding. At least I passed the medical yesterday. How’s life for you?

 

Oh my goodness, you really are going away, aren’t you? I hadn’t taken it in to be honest. I don’t know what to say. I’m quite upset. You’ll think me silly, but I can’t bear the thought of not hearing from you. Please don’t leave me alone on here.

Thursday

What can I say? This is how my life is. I thought you knew that from the start. I have no ties, no responsibilities to anyone, and I come and go as I’m asked. I can’t just stop, even if I wanted to. Look, I’ve been straight with you – where I’m going is far too remote to be able to log on to a site like this. I know I’m sounding blunt. I don’t mean to, but I do need you to realise we’ll need to move off of here if you want the chance of a relationship with me.

 

I can’t believe you sent me that. You sound so cold and detached, and again you are trying to impose your will on me. It seems I got you wrong and you are not the man I imagined you to be. Oh well.

*

Oh, Erin, why be like this? I want to have a way of keeping in touch with you, that’s all. Is that too much to ask? Cold and detached? You must be psychic, as I will be, but not in the way you think. I fly to Reykjavik on Sunday then on to Greenland. The weather is bad right now, but if we can the plan is to move on to the ice cap by Wednesday. The forecast is hostile to begin, then sheer beauty shining through. How about you?

 
My head is pounding, Sam. I can’t take all of this in. I am so unsure what to do, I can’t make sense of some of these feelings I have right now. I can’t stop thinking about you. I keep saying it, but I’ve never known a man like you. I didn’t even know men like you exist. I’m scared to ask, but will, why do you have to be out there?

…..

Their Days – Believing Sight Unseen – May #4

May 2015, their days awakened, Sam is in Brussels, Erin at work in London, not expecting to hear from him… she doesn’t know him well yet, or he her…

 

Monday

 Hello, Erin, how are you? Things are moving fast here – work-wise, I mean. There’s plenty of talk as usual but, unusually for a gaggle of scientific experts, open-minded listening too. Decisions are going to be made, quite amazing for an EU run thing. Looks like I’m going to be much busier than I expected. Fortunately I’m definitely around next week, speaking of which I’m excited about meeting up with you. What dates do you have in mind? As for your birthday, what are you and your girlfriends getting up to at the weekend, or should a gentleman not ask?

 

Hello, Sam, thank you so much for finding the time to message me. I wasn’t sure you would be able to – I’m so chuffed. The thing is, I now feel guilty. I’m trying but haven’t come up with any dates for us to meet next week. I hope you understand I’m doing my best, so please don’t have a go at me. 

Tuesday

 There was too much going on out here yesterday for me to reply. I wanted to as I couldn’t understand why you thought I’d have a go at you. If you say you are trying and doing your best, why would I not believe you? Sure I’ll be disappointed if it turns out I can’t see you next week, but why on earth would you think I’d turn on you?

 

Sorry, it’s just what I’m used to from men. Well, most men, when things don’t go their way. I don’t want to disappoint you, Sam, but I’ve got a lot on at the moment at home and at work and I’m not able to even pencil in a date just now. I know I’m going out with the girls on Saturday, but that’s been booked up for weeks, and no – a gentleman shouldn’t ask. Hmm, a ‘scientist and a gentleman’ – I wonder, could that play out like ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’, with you whisking me away in your white coat?

 *

 Hey, you don’t have to justify yourself to me.  Let’s say no more about it and see where we are when I get back, okay? Your mind’s like quicksilver on here, and your ‘hmm’s’ keep taking me by surprise, in a good way. Whisk you away? Now there’s a thought. I’ll be popping in to London next week – I’ll bring a lab-coat with me.

 

I think I’d actually die if you turned up and did the ‘Richard Gere’ thing with me. I’ve got this feeling though that you are the kind of man who would. I’m blushing. How are you doing this to me? We haven’t even met yet.

 Thursday

 It was manic out here on Wednesday – we wrapped everything up at 9 pm, then our Belgian colleagues found a restaurant for about twenty of us to literally take over – obligatory fillet steaks and pommes frites, and beer, and more beer, and… well, let’s just say I’m glad it’s a short flight home today. Blushing reveals a lot about you – your sensitivity, your barely hidden vulnerability, your ability to show emotions, and apparently those that blush make great lovers. I may not be blushing, but I’m certainly smiling as I sign off for now.

 

How do you do this, Sam? You talk to me as if we have known each other for years not just a couple of weeks and with a sore head too. Some of the things you say I’d feel uncomfortable about with anyone else, but it feels alright with you. So you don’t blush? Well, I’ll have to see what I can do about that when you get back.

Their Days – Believing Sight Unseen – May #3

Sam and Erin – their story – their days – believing sight unseen – revised, tightened, – post #3:

 

Thursday

Hello, Erin. I guess I’ve been holding back a bit. I didn’t want to seem too pushy. Yes, I’d like to get to know you, who you are, what you do, what makes you tick, if that’s okay with you? As for me, Sam is my given name. I’ll turn fifty this year, and I’m single, but I haven’t always been. I feel like a thirty-year-old in my head – as for the rest of me, I do what I need to, to keep in shape. I’m a scientist, and work where I’m needed, usually abroad. I’ll be in Brussels next week for a few days, but I should be back by the weekend.

 

Of course you can get to know me, Sam – I like that you want to, so yes its okay. I’m glad you thought to ask me, you now intrigue me even more. You look much younger and I can see you’re in good shape. Your job sounds important – I’m not as clever as you obviously are – I do admin for a charity and the most I get to travel is in to London every day. I’m free and single and will be out with the girls next weekend to celebrate my birthday.

*

Erin, if I was clever I wouldn’t do some of the things I do. With me it’s more my instincts and experience that count. I’m a hands on kind of man, and need to be where things happen. I think you’re being kind but thank you all the same. A colleague took that photo a few months ago. She says it’s the real me, whatever that means? You know, I sense it’s you who is the clever one. I’ve worked with charities in the field and totally relied on the expertise of their admin folk to get someone as disorganised as me where I need to be… and back! So, ‘birthday girl’ next weekend, mid-twenties I’m thinking?

 

Sam, you’re over-estimating me. No one ever calls me clever. I think it’s the way I like to dress – most people look at me as if I’m just a dumb blond and an easy lay. Maybe they’re right – I’m on here, aren’t I? And for sure, the thought of you being hands on is playing on my mind. The thing is, I’d like to be seen as normal too if that makes sense. You make me feel good about myself and I can’t remember the last time a man did that. I’ll be twenty-nine next Friday – about as young as you feel.

*

Erin, there is no way you’re dumb. The way you write shows me that. Yes, we’ve met on a site like this. So what? You have your needs and I have mine but they don’t define us. I’ll not presume to say what yours might be, or mine, or that we’ll ever share them…but yes, the things that play on your mind play on my mind too.

Sam, the things you say to me, it’s almost as if you know me. For the first time I feel at ease with a man online. I feel I can talk to you and you’ll not judge me. I like your understated manner. You’re a bit mysterious, aren’t you? I probably shouldn’t ask but, if you can, I’d like to know more about what you do… and hmm, what’s playing on your mind then?

Friday

Surely I’m not the first man to want to get to know you? Has there not been a man you felt you really wanted, who you opened up to, who made a difference to you? I’m nothing special, just an ordinary man. There isn’t anything too mysterious about me – I just can’t say too much about what I do on here. I liked your mischievous ‘hmm’, and you know full well what’s playing on my mind. I wonder how you imagine a scientist to be. Did you know our senses are highly tuned? We have a touch, a feel for things so sensitive that with experience we can almost feel the earth move. Some go far and wide to perfect this skill. Maybe one day all I’ll need is to be with you?

 

You’re winding me up now, aren’t you? I’ve actually met the odd scientist through my work, odd being the operative word in my experience. I could have stood stark naked in front of one in particular and I’m sure he wouldn’t have noticed. I’m into being experimental and not had any complaints about my touch. And yes, Sam, you are the first man I’ve spoken to seriously on here. I’m so glad I found you, darling man.

Their Days – Believing Sight Unseen – May #2

 Their Days – Believing Sight Unseen revised, reformatted, pared back – returned to narrative/message format – I’m in two minds, theirs and mine with this…

 

Monday

 Hello, Erin, l can’t believe you got in touch. I’ve not done anything like this before so I’ll be me and write the way I feel. Is that alright with you?

 

 I like the way you write – it’s refreshing to chat to a guy who seems interested in me. Most men on here are only interested in one thing!

 *

 There must be plenty of men who’ve been awed by your looks, your sensuality, your charms. I can’t imagine you ever having to try too hard, or being alone. That you’re here, I can’t think why. You’ll have your reasons, and I’ll not pry.

 

I find that a lot of guys who would like to be with me are far too immature. I’ve always been attracted to the more intelligent male and I like older guys too as I feel I’m treated much better by them, though there are always exceptions to the rules. What about you?

 *

 For me intelligence and looks only go so far, it’s who and how you are that really matters. You have something, you intrigue me, and if you don’t mind me saying, it sounds as if you’ve been let down a time or two? Men say they cannot help but be what they are, though some do try to be as women want, but I’ll not deny it isn’t easy! Sorry, I’m probably talking too much?

 

 No, not at all. I don’t think you talk too much. I like reading what you have to say. It’s all so real and insightful, I feel as if I’m connecting with you and I’m enjoying it.

 Tuesday

 I wonder how many lives your smile will light up today, how many pulses you will raise.  How many will stumble for words on speaking to you, asking how you are, how your evening was, wishing they had been with you. I’m smiling now, thinking all these things too.

 

 You have made me smile that’s for sure – I wish I could be that infectious!

 *

 You’ll think this a strange for me to say, but I feel your presence. Where my thoughts go you go too – us walking bare foot in the grass, our feet anointed by the sea as we stroll along a beach, hands held beneath a sky of blue… I know, I know, too much, too soon… to think of you like this.

 

 You know how to give me butterflies, don’t you? I enjoy your thoughts – I have the same sorts of things running through my mind too, though I don’t have the words to capture them as you do.

 *

 For us to have begun to share our thoughts and feelings means a lot to me. I can’t explain why we feel like this, can you? I’m just glad we do. Perhaps it is fate, its touch, a chance for us to… well, let’s see?

 

 I have a good feeling about us too but, lovely as this is, let’s not go and get all carried away too soon. Can we just enjoy this moment and take things a little more slowly please?

 Wednesday

 Erin, you’re something more than beautiful to me. You permeate my mind, you occupy my dreams. There’s no speed control, no neutral – it’s the way it is.  I sense I could tell you everything of me and you tell me next to nothing in return, yet you’d draw me in, day-by-day, ever closer to you. Please tell me, how did I get to feel like this? I don’t know a thing about you.

 

 Sam, I’ve never known a man who could express his feelings as you do – this is a first for me. I certainly got more than I bargained for when I messaged you! Oh, and by the way, I don’t see how you can sense I’ll not tell you anything about me – you haven’t asked me anything.  What’s a girl to do?

 *

Their Days – Believing Sight Unseen – May #1

Their beginning redrafted, the writing tightened – Sam and Erin, and Amy – their May to September, their story… two of them from three.

…..

May

 It started on a Sunday, early May in England.

Sam sits, eyes shaded, hands clasped behind his head. Sweat beads on his chest, bared to blend with weathered arms and neck. Beads merge, abs define their line down to his faded combats.

A vibration, his left hand goes to his pocket. He grips his mobile, oddly, between thumb and unoccupied ring-finger. A message, base instinct, he needs to go inside to read. Effortlessly he rises; her eyes half open, her senses tune to the rhythm of his flip-flop walk to and beyond the kitchen door.

Sam opens the message to read a single line:

I’m here, you’re here, what are we waiting for?

He takes in a thumbnail photo, a young woman, coyly posed, stunningly attractive. “Why would a woman who looks like that message me? Why is she on a site like this at all? She could get any man she wants,” he lip syncs as if to a song. He looks at her in disbelief, her natural smile and easy style radiating almost innocence.

Sam fires off a reply:

Sites like this are not my thing, yet somehow you’ve captivated me, by chance, by fate I wouldn’t know. What I do know is I have to say hello, I’m Sam and spell-bound by your smile.

Exhilarated, he feels he’s been indoors for ages, yet the oven clock shows just three minutes.

Back in his garden, she’s where he left her, her eyes closed, her breathing deep. He kneels, and as their shadows merge he strokes her upturned palm. Her heart-line traced, she jolts, grips his fingers, earths them on her exposed thigh. Her wild eyes within a blink, re-adjust to her familiar composure. His fingers lift, his prints fade; her daydream moistness lingers.

Sam sits back on his heels. “Sorry, Amy, a message I had to deal with.” That smile, that face of his, magnetic, pulling at her core, his touch confusing her as always. “That’s okay, Sam, I should be going anyway.”

Without words, they stand, Sam walks Amy to her car. They kiss cheeks, their lips untouched as ever.

She says, “Good to see you.”

He says, “I’ll call you.”

Amy drives away, not looking back,  before her eyes betray her.

Sam looks up the road, till all sight and sound of her has gone, one hand holds air, the other in his pocket; he shakes his head. So many things unsaid.

The evening sun goes down; there’s a slight chill, he slips a polo shirt on. Womanbought, a well-worn shade of pink, as is his sun-touched skin beneath. He sits, restless, in the chair that held her. His fingers caress its wooden arms; he feels a prick… a splinter. Standing, he squeezes the shard free. A single drop of blood falls, smears, as his still muted phone gyrates across the glass-topped table. A second line from her:

Oh my goodness, do you mean that? I’m Erin by the way.

Their days, their lines, begin.

His & Hers: Raw Lines #14 – Immunised against love

His:     You’re the most complex woman I’ve ever come across – such beauty, obvious intelligence, yet so suspicious and lacking in confidence. You really have been hurt and badly to need to hide yourself on here. That we met here is something of a miracle, that we stay here would be a tragedy and I will not let that happen. I can’t undo your past but I can be of your present, your future, as a friend and whatever else you find within yourself you need of me. I’m real, I’m genuine, above all I’m a man who somehow fell for you, and despite everything, I sense you feel the same?

Hers:   Maybe it’s my intelligence which makes me be suspicious and decide on what I do. I do not want to get hurt again, and that is why I am not rushing things forwards. Everything has its time and place. No tragedies please, just keep positive.

His:     My heart decides when it comes to you, against all logic, or what my mind says. Please listen to yours and if it says you want me, then call me.

Hers:   I have to listen to my head as well and unless the two are in unison I can’t make myself move on. I think we are having fun and I want it to continue and see what happens.

His:     No, we are not having fun. You are at the expense of my emotions. You ignore all I say, only want things to be your way not our way. You’re immunised against love, have not said a single word that shows you want me. Not in any way shown you care. It’s such a tragedy.

Hers:   I think this talk is crazy after only chatting for such a short time. I am sorry that you seem to think I am selfish in some way. I don’t know what you want me to say to that. Makes me feel great so thank you!

His:      Such a short time? Just one word left to say to you… enough!

Hers:   Oh come on. In the grand scheme of things it is crazy to be saying that. Of course I have feelings for you but I cannot declare my undying love for you before we are face to face. Not only would it be naïve it would be meaningless – when I show you and tell you how I feel about you I want it to be special and amazing. The real tragedy is that you want to walk away now, and for what – because I keep my heart inside of me, because I want us to be real.

His & Hers raw words are extracts from a file of fictional messages written in recent years titled ‘Believing Sight Unseen.’ A first novel ‘Sam & Erin’ drawn from these extracts is nearing completion – a second novel ‘Sean & Ellie’ is being worked on too.

His & Hers: Raw Lines #13 – back in touch

His:     The trouble is I doubt you, too much time has gone by, if you really cared you would surely have meet up with me by now. I think back a few months to when you said you loved me, I’d never been so happy, but then you withdrew your love saying you’re not sure, but all the time saying you never say anything unless you mean it. Do you really expect me to still believe that? You’d been saying we will meet soon for months, how gullible do you think I am? Read your so brief messages, where did the woman I used to know go. What the hell has happened to you?

Hers:   Nothing has happened to me, I don’t know why you are saying that? I have issues I’m trying to get over but I don’t like to talk about my problems with you as I don’t want to bring you down so I keep a lot to myself and trapped inside. I feel let down by your message to be honest.

His:    I can’t read your mind, I wish I could. I also wish you would share your problems with me and let me help you through them but I can’t do anything for you if you don’t trust me. Let me through your barrier and have me by your side for as long as you want and need me.

Hers:  Well I’m not asking you to read my mind and I’d rather keep my problems to myself, they are personal and for me to deal with, sorry.

His:    When I got back in touch you said I made you so happy and that I was in your heart, it moved me so much to hear you say that. But since you suggested our next step was to meet, and it was you, I just asked what happens next, you have been so indifferent and evasive. I can accept there’s an imbalance in our feelings for each other but even so, to say the least, I’m confused. I don’t know what to do?

Hers:   I’m a little confused here too as I think you are reading things in the wrong way. I do not think there is an imbalance with our feelings and besides, we all do and show things in a different way. We are not all the same. Please try not to over analyse things as you will drive yourself crazy. You don’t need to do anything, okay.

His & Hers raw lines resumed – extracts from ‘Believing Sight Unseen’ – can’t quite believe it’s been a year since I posted  His & Hers: Raw Lines #12 – subtle breeze…and nine months since Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #23 (novel to be published  as  ‘Sam and Erin – Believing Sight Unseen’)

EDC Writing – notes for my editor #1

Believing Sight Unseen

His and her stories written in message format

Have enough raw text for at least two distinct books using different pairs of characters – it’s just a matter of me sorting it!

 

Book One: Their Days – Sam & Erin’s Story

A May to September relationship – in terms of age gap and timeline.

Two characters Erin, age about 30; Sam, age about 50.

Interaction – predominately internet messaging – potential for email, phone text and ultimately dialogue.

Messages clearly defined as Sam or Erin – delineated by day starting on a Sunday in early May (contemporary, most of the raw messages were written in 2012 – 2014).

No formal chapters – time lined – Early May – Mid May – Late May and so on.

Expect to be novella length (~25,000 words of which ~ 11,000 edited to date)

Intention to be real and relatable – believable yet not predictable – to have readers feel for both Sam and Erin and want them to be together (despite or because of their flaws and misunderstandings).

An of today ‘will they – wont they’ story aiming to self-publish in June (July at the latest!)

Blogging ongoing edited story in ‘real time’ up until published – from today.

[Hi Esther – I need to send you this! Catch up tomorrow – Eric]

His & Hers: Raw Lines #12 – subtle breeze…

His:

On days like this, sun kissed, a subtle breeze, leaves appearing in awakening trees, inner feelings can break free. Imagine a day like this, the day we meet, how it could be, for you and me. You walk towards me, and I to you, you give a wave and I do too. We now so close our smiles break through, both blush a little as our eyes meet too. Our fingers brush, your hand finds its way to mine. We stroll along, birds sing, nature in all its glory bows to you, your beauty, I bow too.

Hers:

Subtle breeze and leaves – you are such a romantic. Those words of yours paint a thousand images in my mind you know! Blushing a little got me smiling and our eyes meeting. What would we be wearing? I’d like to imagine the whole picture if you don’t think it an odd question?

His:

A quote from Hans Christian Andersen –  ‘just living is not enough, one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower’ – just seems to catch the mood, the way I feel, about my life and you. We share the sunshine, my freedom my choice to be with you, the perfect flower, who gives meaning to my life. What we’ll wear, always a smile, whatever else depends on how we are, we feel, how much we want to give. I see you in my mind, always stunning in a dress, light and floaty in the daytime you hair down, barefoot, we always seem to be in the open, walking, laying on the grass. In the evening, a dress too, figure hugging, we’re dancing, close, all eyes on you.

Hers:

Oh my goodness, that quote and the way you described it relating to you and me actually brought a tear to my eye. I do hope I’m not a disappointment to you when we meet. You put me on such a high pedestal that I’m afraid I’ll not stand up to your expectations of me.

His:

I’ll stand up for you, as you come into sight, when you enter a room, when you need a hug, by day by night. A romantic, yes, yet a realist too.  I know of you only from your words, and those that fall between the lines. We all have flaws, my eyes are open and I adore you for who you are.

Hers:

You really are an amazing man aren’t you? I can’t believe how lucky I am. Being on here I just thought would be a bit of fun. I never ever expected to find someone like you and to feel like this. I love everything about you and I feel that can only grow more as time goes on.

His & Hers – raw lines extracted at random from ‘Believing Sight Unseen’  a file of what was a quarter of a million words – culled to about a hundred and fifty thousand – now turning into stories…