Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #19

Wednesday

Sam

I don’t know what to say, no one has ever said the things you have to me. Beautiful inside, if by chance I am, it’s your beauty permeating me – beautiful outside, you must be dazzled by the sun reflecting onto me your own. I thank you from my heart though for saying this to me. I tell you, Erin,  I’m already with you in spirit, heart and mind, and when you are ready I will be physically too, my hand in yours, to give as much joy and happiness as your heart can hold.

Erin

I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Your sweet and caring words make me so happy. I’m so glad that we have met on here, and think that the gods put you in my path so that we can have a future together. My life was so empty until you came along. The only thing that counts now is me and you and nobody else.

 

Thursday

Sam

I absolutely love it when you loosen up and show more of yourself to me. There is so much of you I long to see. I want to come to know your ways, the things that turn you on, and be as one with you.

Erin

I’m glad you like this side to me. If I’m honest this is probably the most open I’ve ever been with anyone. You excite me and at the same time I feel comfortable with you. But I have to say sometimes I turn to the dark side, if you should call it that, when I have had grief from people about being on here. I confess it may have been a bad idea to have told some of my friends as much as I have. We know what we have and that’s all that should matter, isn’t it?

Sam

Erin, what matters is us, how we got to know each other is irrelevant. It happens to be on here, so what. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us.  We are getting to know each other so well, our inner thoughts and yes, our moods. We’ve had a head start, and we’ve grown to trust and have faith in each other, no matter what your friends might think. Yes, I can understand their misplaced concerns, they don’t know me as you do, and perhaps don’t know you as I do. I’m ready. Are you?

Erin

I know it shouldn’t matter, but I don’t like people judging me and looking down their noses when we’ve done nothing wrong. It just angers me a bit, that’s all. Nobody is perfect, but some seem to think they can pass judgement on us. I really get stressed out when things like that cross my mind.

 

Friday

Sam

I keep trying to write, something, anything, which could make a difference. That could make you see there is no harm in me. That would show you there is no reason for us not to have a coffee and activate the chemistry between us face to face. I just don’t have the words, at least not on here, to overcome your doubts and fears. That’s what all this ‘friends’ talk is really about, isn’t it? As long as we’re on here we’ll not amount to anything, and you’ll have proved your friends right. But if you can show your happiness from the moment that we meet and the ways we find to share our lives, they’ll realise against all odds the joy of you and me.

Erin

Oh, please do not say that we will not come to anything.  Can you not see how heart broken and angry I am with myself? I do not need to hear that you are as well as that would be torture for me. All I want to do is make you happy and have you be proud of me, but I’m too scared. Do you know how I hate myself right now?

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #18

Tuesday

Sam

Friends… I have one who knows about you. I didn’t tell her, she worked it out. Something to do with me talking in my sleep, and no, not with her – it’s just the nature of the things we do that we need to share accommodation. As it happens I saw her last week, the first time we’d met up since we were in Greenland. I’ve mentioned her before – she took my profile photo. We’ve been to some inhospitable places, all in the name of science! Bottom line, she was shocked that we had not met up and told me exactly what she thought was going on. Not at all complimentary – to either you or me. Made me think, do you get reactions like this from your friends when you talk of us?

Erin

My friends are excited for me and know you must be a very special man, because I keep telling them! My closest friend looks out for me, but as yet she hasn’t said too much. She is the only one who knows about the bad experience I had which as you well know has made me very cautious. I remember you telling me about your colleague – I hadn’t realised you were that close. She sounds as if she might be jealous of me. I admit I feel a bit that way with her. Anyway, exactly what does she think is going on here then?

Sam

She thought you had ‘daddy issues’ and you were just using me as an emotional sop. She said she was amazed that I was dumb enough to fall for it and mad to think you would ever meet me. And for good measure, I was effectively using you to make me feel good – actually it was worse than that!  I tried to explain, but she’s a bit headstrong, and up and left, and we haven’t spoken since. The sooner we are out in the open, and face whatever we might have to, the better, don’t you think?

Erin

Oh my God, I’m absolutely furious. Who the hell does she think she is? She clearly feels bad about herself for her to be making those assumptions. Are you going to be able to handle her?  I’m worried she’ll try to mess things up for us.

Sam

I must admit I didn’t expect that reaction from her. Maybe it’s just as well I’ve not told anyone else about us. I guess it would be a stretch for anyone to get their heads around our relationship. It’s taken us quite a while, hasn’t it? Anyway, I’m sure she will be fine, I caught her cold so to speak. I’ll be working with her again this week – I doubt anything more will be said.

Erin

It just makes me so mad that a friend could be so hurtful and say what she said to you. You are an amazing person and you shouldn’t need anyone to make you feel good.  You are a beautiful man, inside and out. I’m so sorry that I have made things awkward for you. Please assure her, I’m not playing games with you or your feelings and never will. I am genuine, Sam. I’ve fallen for you.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #17

Early July

 

Sunday

Sam

Deep within you there is a place of peace, breathe slow and easy and you will find it. It’s where your heart and mind can meet to show your truest feelings. Relax and close your eyes, let your worries fade to leave you as one with your passions and desires. If I am there with you, in any shape or form, there is a chance for us. If I am nowhere to be seen or felt within you then sadly the day has come for you to let me go. I have done this often and you are always in me. I see you all the time, but I ask you to honestly tell me if I am in you too.

Erin

I tell you honestly, Sam, you are in my heart and I never want to lose you. It is you I wake up thinking about, you who I eat lunch with and think about, and you who I go to bed dreaming about.

Sam

We have so much to talk about. Time and circumstance are not our friends, but for both our sakes I want us to work. I so want to hold your hand, strange man that I am.

Erin

No, you are not strange at all. Holding hands and giving each other a little squeeze is what I need more than anything right now. I just worry about being in your world and yes, you being in mine too – us being over before we’ve begun. We will both have to be so careful and take care to make us work. We will get our time, I am sure of that.

 

Monday

Sam

How is your friend? I hope she is well and on the mend. I broke four of my ribs a few years ago. It took a while for me to recover, but then I’m a restless kind of man. I sense that your injuries have healed, but please tell me you are okay.

Erin

My chest took most of the impact. I went a bit purple for a while, but don’t worry, I’m still in good shape! My friend is much better now, thank you and back in her own place. I think I’ve been driving her mad talking about you. I hope you don’t mind, I’ve been telling my friends about us. I can’t wait for them to meet you and for you to be a part of my life. Some of them have been a bit cheeky asking if you would be up for a three-some! Don’t even think about it, Sam, I’ve told them you are all mine. You are, aren’t you?

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #16

Saturday

Sam:

And you are telling me what exactly?

Erin

I’ve been looking after a friend, a girlfriend, who was once my lover. The night of the Saturday you came home from Greenland we were forced off the road – the car rolled for what seemed forever. I had just a few cuts and bruises, my friend was not so lucky, concussed and broken ribs. I’ve had to deal with her being in hospital and the police, and to help her recover she moved in with me. I couldn’t leave her on her own and I couldn’t tell you – I wasn’t sure you’d understand.

Sam

I’m numb. I have no words I trust myself to use.

Erin

I don’t know what to say now. I’ve been so nervous waiting to hear from you. I’m frightened that you are going to walk away. I need you to stick with me. We can keep going, can’t we?

Sam

The thing is you don’t need me to keep going. When all is said and done, I have a flaw – I’m a man. You don’t need me as a lover, you have one and she’s a woman.

Erin

Please, Sam, be the man I’ve always hoped you are. Yes, it’s taken a long time for me to realise, but I definitely want you and in every way possible. I’ve done nothing wrong, just held back that I’m a little different. I like men and women, some men like that.

Sam

Done nothing wrong?  I’m sorry, but how can you say that? You’ve said so much of me being a part of your life, yet you kept me at arm’s length while going through this. What of your female lover? Are you sure you want a man? Are you really going to go straight for me because I don’t want to share you.

Erin

I can’t become straight – it doesn’t work like that. I’m bisexual, it’s in my DNA. Come on, Sam, you’re the scientist, you should know that. When I’m with someone, male or female, I’m committed to them, and I choose to be with that one person exclusively. If we decided to do that then I would be with you.

Sam

This is so crazy, so absolutely mad – I need to know what you expect of me.

Erin

I know how you feel, and you know how I feel. The only thing that remains to be seen is if I’m worth the trouble you obviously think I’ll be for you. No matter how right I believe we are for each other, my life is more complicated than most. I can’t change that. If you felt the way you say you do about me you would understand and accept me, no matter what the circumstances.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #15

Friday

Sam

I do not want to lose you. There have been too many words, too many feelings, too many tears, for us to fail now. I do not want to hurt you, and I do not want any more misunderstandings. I know I want you, but how? You hold all the cards, yet they’re now so shuffled out of suits I think you do not know how to deal them. There are only two that matter: a knave and his queen, his reason to gamble that one day she will share her world with him, her king. I’ll say no more for now, and trust to fate, and the hand she gives.

Erin

That was so well said, please hold on to your belief in me – I’ve come too far to ruin everything. Sam, I pray so much that all this is real. I’m scared, but I need to tell you something that you need to know.

Sam

Don’t be scared, Erin, there’s not a thing you could say or show me that would ever make me feel other than I do. You are and always will be the woman I desire.  I just know we’ll get on fine, share endless laughs and pleasures – that we’ll both have sensually mischievous minds. You never cease to touch me when you show my words touch you. Please tell me whatever you feel I need to know, and while I wait I’ll ask you, in the time honoured old-fashioned way, to step out of the shadows and walk a while with me.

Erin

Your words have wrecked me. I can’t stop crying. No one in my life has ever touched me as you have. Sam, the only thing I want to say is yes, but first I have to lay myself open to you.

Sam

Erin, it’s now got very late, but I’ll not end this day until I give you a chance to say what you feel you need to.  I guess there is a man involved in some way?

Erin

You’ve got it wrong, Sam, it’s not a man, it’s a woman.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #14

Wednesday

Sam

I fear this could be too little too late? My heart is screaming at my mind, what have you done, she is the one. My head is throbbing fit to burst, but slowly a warm flow is reaching that awful cold place my man logic erupted from. I cannot promise it will not happen again, but my heart now has me firmly in its grasp. It does not want to risk losing you again.

Erin

You have had me in agony waiting for your reply. I want you and only you. Your heart is right, ignore your doubts. You can’t truly love if you have doubt in your heart. There is no doubt in mine.

Sam

I felt so tense opening your reply and so completely overwhelmed by what you said – I keep re-reading to be sure of the implication of your words. I’ve been so selfish – I do not think I had ever taken in just how deep your feelings for me are. I always hoped but never thought you could feel the same way about me as I do for you. I need you, Erin, I always will.

Erin

Your message has brought tears to my eyes. I’m being silly now, aren’t I? I just feel so strongly for you.

Sam

You are not being silly -our hearts know better than our minds what we are to each other and become so frustrated with us that they are letting our bodies know through tears and aches in need to be relieved places. My body is tingling as I type, my senses so heightened at the thought of your touch, the whole of me so wanting the whole of you.

Erin

You are such a romantic – I absolutely love it and everything you have said. I pray once I am in your arms and we are looking into each other’s eyes, everything will be perfect for us.

 

Thursday

Sam

There is not a day you are not in my thoughts – you are a part of me. You are the one who opened up my heart and showed me how to feel. I realise I’ve made mistakes, that I suffocated you with emotion, that I did not give you room to breathe. I hardly let myself breathe. I know very little but sense and feel so much. You are real and out there somewhere, I am out there too and always will be for you.

Erin

You are just unbelievably good at this, aren’t you? I so don’t understand why you have not been snapped up and appreciated in the way I intend to. Let’s just take things slowly, Sam, and you’ll not regret it, I promise.

Sam

I can only wonder what is so wrong, so sensitive in your life that you need to be so cautious. It’s what you mean by slowly, I know. Still, I have your promise and sense it’s not given lightly.

Erin

I know the onus is on me to change this, and I will as soon as humanly possible. Until then I ask you to please trust your senses, and your well-placed judgement and feelings for me.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #13

Friday

Sam

We both appear to be struggling. I try to be a decent man for you but admit I find my self-respect waning being on a site like this.  My mind says you are unable to give, yet my heart says otherwise.

Erin

Okay, cards on the table. I want to be with you. I mean everything I say to you, but I also feel pressured by you at the moment into moving on so hurriedly! It’s not really your fault I’m feeling pressured, it’s in me to react to pressure so I apologise for that.  But please understand, I’m not having a go at you, I’m just asking you to let me sort myself out, in my time. I will be with you, I promise you that.

Sam

Sometimes I wonder if you actually believe some of the seemingly credible excuses you come up with. Why don’t you simply have the decency to say that you enjoy the fantasy of messaging and that though you may believe it at the time, when it comes to the reality of commitment in any form, you are incapable of showing it. I feel such a fool to have let you mislead me.

Erin

I am not at all sure how I respond to that message! Nobody is saying you are a fool, but you are not truly giving me the time and space I need. I keep telling you I hate being pushed, but you keep on doing it. Please don’t be like this. I hate that you think I don’t trust you because I do. I promise you, it will all be worth the wait, and one day we will laugh about this.

 

Saturday

Sam

My heart is leaking you, my every nerve on edge as I tell you that I’m not able to go on like this. This site for you is a sanctuary – for me it is a prison. I’ve said and done all I can to bring us together but failed. Erin, there is nothing else I can do. To stay on here would be torture. You probably cannot see it, but you are pushing me away, pushing me beyond the limits of what I can take.

Erin

Come on, please don’t be like that. I didn’t realise you feel I’m pushing you away. This is just madness. We have a good thing here and I don’t want it to end.  I really care for you, and will make it happen soon. That is if you still want me?

 

Sunday

Sam

I’m not going to message for a while. Maybe if you re-read your messages you’ll see what I see, someone who cannot bring herself to give anything for us. Your reasons, no doubt good ones, but I wouldn’t know.

Erin

Okay, well go then! Honestly, I’m totally gutted that you can just leave me like this!

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #12

Wednesday

Sam

Good to hear I’m home? You’re completely confusing me! I’m trying to help you, but you don’t seem to need it? I thought we had something, yet you can’t wait even a day for me. You’ve got me thinking!

Erin

Can you just slow down a bit? I’m feeling really overwhelmed with all that’s going on and I need to be with someone I know, that’s all. Look, Sam, you are getting too heavy too fast, and I can’t cope right now, okay.

Sam

I really feel for you, you know that. Whatever’s going on in your life right now, little if anything, seems good. I can’t say I understand because you’ve still not told me anything. We have something good, don’t we?

Erin

I really don’t know what we have if I’m being honest. I think I have feelings for you, but I can’t deal with them right now. I’m feeling pressured and I hate that. You’re truly a great guy, but I just feel, and I’m so sorry to say this, that you are suffocating me. I just want things to slow way down. Please give me space to sort myself out. Sorry.

 

Thursday

Sam

Where did that come from?  It was only a couple of days ago that you said you don’t want to be given space and now I’m suffocating you? Not for the first time, you’re not making much sense to me. We both know that we need to move forward and for me it needs to be this week.

Erin

Okay, well, I am reading that and thinking you’re not really as into this as I am. Yes, I know that we have to move to the next step and that’s what we’re trying to do, aren’t we? If only it could be a bit easier, that’s all!

Sam

I sense real desperation in you which makes me so annoyed with myself that I have clearly failed to earn your trust.  Such a shame as talking to me would be easier than you seem to think. Believe it or not I’m the kind of man who listens, the kind of man you’ll have never spoken to before.

Erin

I do find it hard to open up about problems, but that’s because I’ve had it thrown back in my face before. I’m sure you are trustworthy, but maybe it is my own courage that’s the problem?

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #11

Sunday

Sam

How are you this morning, Erin? You must have been awake most of the night. You only need to ask and I will come to you. Maybe today you’d like to talk?

Erin

Hello, Sam, you are right it was a long and lonely night. I could have done with some strong arms around me and a warm body to cuddle. You’re lovely and I know you’re only trying to help, but it’s just so hard talking about personal things when you feel you should be coping and you really aren’t.

Sam

I can see it’s enough for you that I am here and I’ll not push. I’m sending out every vibe I can to try and touch you.

Erin

Oh, Sam, I wish you knew just how wonderful you are and how much you lift my spirits. You truly are my rock. Somehow you understand me like no one else does.

 

Monday

Sam

Another day, and I’m not sure what to say other than how are you? I guess it would seem strange if I just turned up to be with you. Now is obviously not the time to try and explain our relationship to anyone. I can’t help but be very worried about you and all you are going through. Perhaps it would be for the best for me to give you more space to cope with things in your own way?

Erin

Yes, some people would probably think that we have a strange relationship, but I don’t care about that. I don’t really want to be given space if that means I won’t hear from you as I’d hate that. Try not to be worried about me as I don’t want to be a burden on you.

Sam

You could never be a burden to me, please don’t ever think that. Crap timing as ever, I’ve been asked to be in Brussels on Tuesday to report back on what I got up to in Greenland. I’ve been booked on a flight this afternoon, but I will be back tomorrow night, I promise.

Erin

I really do believe that you are the one in a million man that every woman believes is out there for her but never thinks she will come across. Well, I have been lucky enough to find you. I know that you care and want to help me, but you must go and do your thing. I’ll be okay and as you said I do need to deal with things in my own way. I’ll tell you all about it when you get back.

 

Tuesday

Sam

Hi, Erin, I’m at Heathrow, just waiting for a taxi. Should be home in about an hour. Do you want to meet up? I don’t mind where. It’ll be easier to talk face-to-face, don’t you think? Hope to see you later.

Erin

Sam, lol, your timing – I’m waiting for a friend to call me back. I’ll probably stay with her tonight. I just need someone to hold me, and to get a little drunk with. I’m not coping too well on my own. Good to hear you are home though.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #10

It’s mid-June – Sam returns from Greenland:

Friday

Sam

Hi, Erin, I got back home as the sun rose and had to head straight for the garden. I’m so in need of colour, familiar sights and sounds – most of all I need to be back in touch with you. I felt my face brushed by a breeze and wondered if it had touched you too. Maybe I’m just a little crazy… missing you. These past three weeks, so many days, too many nights, have been surreal. As I slipped into a sometimes troubled sleep, I felt you come to me, hold me close and ease away my fears. Perhaps it was just my wishful thinking, yet when I woke to find you weren’t there, I sensed you near, as if an angel waiting, to come down again to me. Somehow I know that you are well, but I’ll ask you all the same – how are you? How have you been?

Erin

Hello, stranger, I’ve been very well, thank you. It sounds to me as if you feel as I do, that you have been away for far too long. To be in your arms, my body close to yours, feeling your warm hands and breath on me would be my idea of heaven. I’m a little too naughty to be an angel… hmm, I like the idea of coming down on you. What are you doing at the weekend? And please don’t say you are going to be disappearing again.

Sam

Hello, you, I’ve missed your cheeky ‘hmm’s. I’ll be around a while, apart from maybe the odd day or two. As for this weekend, no plans other than to be free and easy, exposing myself in every way to the joys of English weather; immersing myself in nature’s palate. No doubt I’ll have a glass or two of wine and let my every sense go where they need to. How about you?

Erin

Oh, you know, it crossed my mind to spend some time with you.

 

Saturday

Sam

Can you believe it? I fell asleep and didn’t see your message until the small hours of this morning. I had to get up as I was just too restless. I’ve not showered at 3 am before but, it’s weird, I feel as if I need to be ready for something? I should have had the nerve to tell you my every sense needs me to be with you this weekend. You’ve blown my mind saying you want this too, but I can’t help thinking something’s wrong. Are you okay, Erin?

Erin

Oh, Sam, thank God I’ve managed to catch you on here. I’ve just popped home to freshen up and get a few things; I’ve been at the hospital all night. Sorry – got to rush, I’ll tell you about it later when things have calmed down a bit.

Sam

Hey, Erin, what’s happened? Look, just let me know if you need anything, anything at all, okay? A kind voice, a silent presence, someone to kick and scream at, a hand to hold, arms to hug you, a shoulder to lean on… Just remember you are not alone – no matter what you’re going through I’ll be there for you.

Erin

Thank you so much for saying that, just knowing that you are here and that you care is making this a little easier for me. Sometimes I think I’m being laughed at from a great height and it feels too much. I’m so glad I have you, Sam.