‘I’m telling you I’ve asked you’
‘I’m listening what did you say’
‘I’m telling you I’ve asked you’
‘I’m listening what did you say’
Don’t count, it’s only words.
It’s about you.
Can’t be, no one heard.
What you doing.
Messing with the truth.
You’re a poet.
Got me, give me peace.
This the 5th part of Sam & Erin’s Story – revised, tightened and restored to it’s original narrative/message format. Turns out I’ve changed little in this part – the return of Sam from Brussels and his imminent departure to the Arctic – and the pressure that brings…
Just a quick one, Erin. I stayed at a friend’s last night, but I’m now back home to a pile of junk mail through my letterbox, a misnomer if ever there was one. Made me think back to my youth, and a teenage girlfriend I’d met on holiday. Her letters I remember most – she was the first girl to show feelings for me through her written words. Decades on, another world, and written words connect us too – pull us close enough to touch, to feel something inside. Have a great birthday night out with your friends!
Your messages take me to another world. Each one shows me a bit more of you. I love it. If I tried to do the same mine would be rubbish next to yours. If that’s your quick one, I’m going to be a lucky girl. And yes, Sam – we will!
You stir so many things in me, we have to meet and soon. Let’s try to sort something out for next week.
I know we need to meet, and I want to, it’s not a case of having to, okay? What we have to do is get the timing right and I’m sorry, but next week is not right for me. I can’t help it, I have too much on. I’d no idea we’d get this close this quick when we started this.
The thing is, Erin, and I’d thought you might have realised this, I’m only in the UK next week then I’ll be away for a while and won’t be able to keep in touch. Look, I’ll be in London on Tuesday. Why don’t we meet up at lunchtime, even if only for a coffee? It would be good to see you before I go.
Excuse me, what kind of message is that? What am I supposed to have realised? You’re the one who needs to look, Sam. I’ve told you I can’t meet up with you next week. It feels to me as though you are trying to tell me what to do and I don’t like it. I think you’re being unfair pushing me like this.
I didn’t see much point in responding yesterday – we’d have only ended up saying things we’d regret and made things even more difficult than they are. My instincts don’t usually let me down, but you are virgin territory to me. What I felt was a little nudge you took as a hefty push. I can see I will need to handle you with the most gentle touch.
You’re good at this, aren’t you, making me feel bad for what I said then making me laugh? ‘Virgin territory’, you silly sod, but then you get me wondering how unique a man like you could be?
You don’t have to wonder, Erin, but you’ll have to wait to find out as you can’t make this week. I’ll be off again from next Monday for a couple of weeks, maybe longer – it’s hard to tell until I’m out there. What’s keeping you so busy that you don’t have time for a coffee? I’m not having a dig, I’d genuinely like to know.
You may not think you’re having a dig, but it feels like it to me. It’s obviously not helping with you going away again – it’s putting pressure on both of us. I appreciate you’re only asking for coffee and a chat to begin with. I think that’s a great idea, but please can we keep chatting on here and sort something out when you get back?
You’re probably right. I guess we could wait a few weeks to meet, but something has to happen. A phone call, or even an e-mail? Surely you can see that?
I know what you’re saying, but it’s different for a woman. I’m not comfortable giving out my personal information until we meet. I’ve had a bad experience meeting a man online and I’m now extra cautious. I hope you can understand my need to feel safe. It’s not you, it’s just the way I am.
I was in London yesterday and what with one thing and another I didn’t have time to message you, so don’t go thinking I didn’t understand what you said. I did and I’m okay with it. Time is getting very tight for me – I haven’t done a field trip like this one for a while, and the preliminaries are quite demanding. At least I passed the medical yesterday. How’s life for you?
Oh my goodness, you really are going away, aren’t you? I hadn’t taken it in to be honest. I don’t know what to say. I’m quite upset. You’ll think me silly, but I can’t bear the thought of not hearing from you. Please don’t leave me alone on here.
What can I say? This is how my life is. I thought you knew that from the start. I have no ties, no responsibilities to anyone, and I come and go as I’m asked. I can’t just stop, even if I wanted to. Look, I’ve been straight with you – where I’m going is far too remote to be able to log on to a site like this. I know I’m sounding blunt. I don’t mean to, but I do need you to realise we’ll need to move off of here if you want the chance of a relationship with me.
I can’t believe you sent me that. You sound so cold and detached, and again you are trying to impose your will on me. It seems I got you wrong and you are not the man I imagined you to be. Oh well.
Oh, Erin, why be like this? I want to have a way of keeping in touch with you, that’s all. Is that too much to ask? Cold and detached? You must be psychic, as I will be, but not in the way you think. I fly to Reykjavik on Sunday then on to Greenland. The weather is bad right now, but if we can the plan is to move on to the ice cap by Wednesday. The forecast is hostile to begin, then sheer beauty shining through. How about you?
My head is pounding, Sam. I can’t take all of this in. I am so unsure what to do, I can’t make sense of some of these feelings I have right now. I can’t stop thinking about you. I keep saying it, but I’ve never known a man like you. I didn’t even know men like you exist. I’m scared to ask, but will, why do you have to be out there?
Why say it then?
Checking if you’re listening
He’s right. She didn’t hear
May 2015, their days awakened, Sam is in Brussels, Erin at work in London, not expecting to hear from him… she doesn’t know him well yet, or he her…
Hello, Erin, how are you? Things are moving fast here – work-wise, I mean. There’s plenty of talk as usual but, unusually for a gaggle of scientific experts, open-minded listening too. Decisions are going to be made, quite amazing for an EU run thing. Looks like I’m going to be much busier than I expected. Fortunately I’m definitely around next week, speaking of which I’m excited about meeting up with you. What dates do you have in mind? As for your birthday, what are you and your girlfriends getting up to at the weekend, or should a gentleman not ask?
Hello, Sam, thank you so much for finding the time to message me. I wasn’t sure you would be able to – I’m so chuffed. The thing is, I now feel guilty. I’m trying but haven’t come up with any dates for us to meet next week. I hope you understand I’m doing my best, so please don’t have a go at me.
There was too much going on out here yesterday for me to reply. I wanted to as I couldn’t understand why you thought I’d have a go at you. If you say you are trying and doing your best, why would I not believe you? Sure I’ll be disappointed if it turns out I can’t see you next week, but why on earth would you think I’d turn on you?
Sorry, it’s just what I’m used to from men. Well, most men, when things don’t go their way. I don’t want to disappoint you, Sam, but I’ve got a lot on at the moment at home and at work and I’m not able to even pencil in a date just now. I know I’m going out with the girls on Saturday, but that’s been booked up for weeks, and no – a gentleman shouldn’t ask. Hmm, a ‘scientist and a gentleman’ – I wonder, could that play out like ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’, with you whisking me away in your white coat?
Hey, you don’t have to justify yourself to me. Let’s say no more about it and see where we are when I get back, okay? Your mind’s like quicksilver on here, and your ‘hmm’s’ keep taking me by surprise, in a good way. Whisk you away? Now there’s a thought. I’ll be popping in to London next week – I’ll bring a lab-coat with me.
I think I’d actually die if you turned up and did the ‘Richard Gere’ thing with me. I’ve got this feeling though that you are the kind of man who would. I’m blushing. How are you doing this to me? We haven’t even met yet.
It was manic out here on Wednesday – we wrapped everything up at 9 pm, then our Belgian colleagues found a restaurant for about twenty of us to literally take over – obligatory fillet steaks and pommes frites, and beer, and more beer, and… well, let’s just say I’m glad it’s a short flight home today. Blushing reveals a lot about you – your sensitivity, your barely hidden vulnerability, your ability to show emotions, and apparently those that blush make great lovers. I may not be blushing, but I’m certainly smiling as I sign off for now.
How do you do this, Sam? You talk to me as if we have known each other for years not just a couple of weeks and with a sore head too. Some of the things you say I’d feel uncomfortable about with anyone else, but it feels alright with you. So you don’t blush? Well, I’ll have to see what I can do about that when you get back.
What’s on your mind then?
I’ve no idea
Go on tell me
I just did
His muse? Not today then.
Did anything happen last year?
You met me
That’ll be it then
It was for me
Her spring, his autumn… their days between
Sam and Erin – their story – their days – believing sight unseen – revised, tightened, – post #3:
Hello, Erin. I guess I’ve been holding back a bit. I didn’t want to seem too pushy. Yes, I’d like to get to know you, who you are, what you do, what makes you tick, if that’s okay with you? As for me, Sam is my given name. I’ll turn fifty this year, and I’m single, but I haven’t always been. I feel like a thirty-year-old in my head – as for the rest of me, I do what I need to, to keep in shape. I’m a scientist, and work where I’m needed, usually abroad. I’ll be in Brussels next week for a few days, but I should be back by the weekend.
Of course you can get to know me, Sam – I like that you want to, so yes its okay. I’m glad you thought to ask me, you now intrigue me even more. You look much younger and I can see you’re in good shape. Your job sounds important – I’m not as clever as you obviously are – I do admin for a charity and the most I get to travel is in to London every day. I’m free and single and will be out with the girls next weekend to celebrate my birthday.
Erin, if I was clever I wouldn’t do some of the things I do. With me it’s more my instincts and experience that count. I’m a hands on kind of man, and need to be where things happen. I think you’re being kind but thank you all the same. A colleague took that photo a few months ago. She says it’s the real me, whatever that means? You know, I sense it’s you who is the clever one. I’ve worked with charities in the field and totally relied on the expertise of their admin folk to get someone as disorganised as me where I need to be… and back! So, ‘birthday girl’ next weekend, mid-twenties I’m thinking?
Sam, you’re over-estimating me. No one ever calls me clever. I think it’s the way I like to dress – most people look at me as if I’m just a dumb blond and an easy lay. Maybe they’re right – I’m on here, aren’t I? And for sure, the thought of you being hands on is playing on my mind. The thing is, I’d like to be seen as normal too if that makes sense. You make me feel good about myself and I can’t remember the last time a man did that. I’ll be twenty-nine next Friday – about as young as you feel.
Erin, there is no way you’re dumb. The way you write shows me that. Yes, we’ve met on a site like this. So what? You have your needs and I have mine but they don’t define us. I’ll not presume to say what yours might be, or mine, or that we’ll ever share them…but yes, the things that play on your mind play on my mind too.
Sam, the things you say to me, it’s almost as if you know me. For the first time I feel at ease with a man online. I feel I can talk to you and you’ll not judge me. I like your understated manner. You’re a bit mysterious, aren’t you? I probably shouldn’t ask but, if you can, I’d like to know more about what you do… and hmm, what’s playing on your mind then?
Surely I’m not the first man to want to get to know you? Has there not been a man you felt you really wanted, who you opened up to, who made a difference to you? I’m nothing special, just an ordinary man. There isn’t anything too mysterious about me – I just can’t say too much about what I do on here. I liked your mischievous ‘hmm’, and you know full well what’s playing on my mind. I wonder how you imagine a scientist to be. Did you know our senses are highly tuned? We have a touch, a feel for things so sensitive that with experience we can almost feel the earth move. Some go far and wide to perfect this skill. Maybe one day all I’ll need is to be with you?
You’re winding me up now, aren’t you? I’ve actually met the odd scientist through my work, odd being the operative word in my experience. I could have stood stark naked in front of one in particular and I’m sure he wouldn’t have noticed. I’m into being experimental and not had any complaints about my touch. And yes, Sam, you are the first man I’ve spoken to seriously on here. I’m so glad I found you, darling man.
Their Days – Believing Sight Unseen revised, reformatted, pared back – returned to narrative/message format – I’m in two minds, theirs and mine with this…
Hello, Erin, l can’t believe you got in touch. I’ve not done anything like this before so I’ll be me and write the way I feel. Is that alright with you?
I like the way you write – it’s refreshing to chat to a guy who seems interested in me. Most men on here are only interested in one thing!
There must be plenty of men who’ve been awed by your looks, your sensuality, your charms. I can’t imagine you ever having to try too hard, or being alone. That you’re here, I can’t think why. You’ll have your reasons, and I’ll not pry.
I find that a lot of guys who would like to be with me are far too immature. I’ve always been attracted to the more intelligent male and I like older guys too as I feel I’m treated much better by them, though there are always exceptions to the rules. What about you?
For me intelligence and looks only go so far, it’s who and how you are that really matters. You have something, you intrigue me, and if you don’t mind me saying, it sounds as if you’ve been let down a time or two? Men say they cannot help but be what they are, though some do try to be as women want, but I’ll not deny it isn’t easy! Sorry, I’m probably talking too much?
No, not at all. I don’t think you talk too much. I like reading what you have to say. It’s all so real and insightful, I feel as if I’m connecting with you and I’m enjoying it.
I wonder how many lives your smile will light up today, how many pulses you will raise. How many will stumble for words on speaking to you, asking how you are, how your evening was, wishing they had been with you. I’m smiling now, thinking all these things too.
You have made me smile that’s for sure – I wish I could be that infectious!
You’ll think this a strange for me to say, but I feel your presence. Where my thoughts go you go too – us walking bare foot in the grass, our feet anointed by the sea as we stroll along a beach, hands held beneath a sky of blue… I know, I know, too much, too soon… to think of you like this.
You know how to give me butterflies, don’t you? I enjoy your thoughts – I have the same sorts of things running through my mind too, though I don’t have the words to capture them as you do.
For us to have begun to share our thoughts and feelings means a lot to me. I can’t explain why we feel like this, can you? I’m just glad we do. Perhaps it is fate, its touch, a chance for us to… well, let’s see?
I have a good feeling about us too but, lovely as this is, let’s not go and get all carried away too soon. Can we just enjoy this moment and take things a little more slowly please?
Erin, you’re something more than beautiful to me. You permeate my mind, you occupy my dreams. There’s no speed control, no neutral – it’s the way it is. I sense I could tell you everything of me and you tell me next to nothing in return, yet you’d draw me in, day-by-day, ever closer to you. Please tell me, how did I get to feel like this? I don’t know a thing about you.
Sam, I’ve never known a man who could express his feelings as you do – this is a first for me. I certainly got more than I bargained for when I messaged you! Oh, and by the way, I don’t see how you can sense I’ll not tell you anything about me – you haven’t asked me anything. What’s a girl to do?
His: You didn’t want me?
Hers: I couldn’t have you!