He’s Right

He’s right not real

her photograph deceit

right words wrong girl

he’s right they’ll never meet

cut off  move on yes must do

year on still writes still believes.

His & Hers: Raw Lines #14 – Immunised against love

His:     You’re the most complex woman I’ve ever come across – such beauty, obvious intelligence, yet so suspicious and lacking in confidence. You really have been hurt and badly to need to hide yourself on here. That we met here is something of a miracle, that we stay here would be a tragedy and I will not let that happen. I can’t undo your past but I can be of your present, your future, as a friend and whatever else you find within yourself you need of me. I’m real, I’m genuine, above all I’m a man who somehow fell for you, and despite everything, I sense you feel the same?

Hers:   Maybe it’s my intelligence which makes me be suspicious and decide on what I do. I do not want to get hurt again, and that is why I am not rushing things forwards. Everything has its time and place. No tragedies please, just keep positive.

His:     My heart decides when it comes to you, against all logic, or what my mind says. Please listen to yours and if it says you want me, then call me.

Hers:   I have to listen to my head as well and unless the two are in unison I can’t make myself move on. I think we are having fun and I want it to continue and see what happens.

His:     No, we are not having fun. You are at the expense of my emotions. You ignore all I say, only want things to be your way not our way. You’re immunised against love, have not said a single word that shows you want me. Not in any way shown you care. It’s such a tragedy.

Hers:   I think this talk is crazy after only chatting for such a short time. I am sorry that you seem to think I am selfish in some way. I don’t know what you want me to say to that. Makes me feel great so thank you!

His:      Such a short time? Just one word left to say to you… enough!

Hers:   Oh come on. In the grand scheme of things it is crazy to be saying that. Of course I have feelings for you but I cannot declare my undying love for you before we are face to face. Not only would it be naïve it would be meaningless – when I show you and tell you how I feel about you I want it to be special and amazing. The real tragedy is that you want to walk away now, and for what – because I keep my heart inside of me, because I want us to be real.

His & Hers raw words are extracts from a file of fictional messages written in recent years titled ‘Believing Sight Unseen.’ A first novel ‘Sam & Erin’ drawn from these extracts is nearing completion – a second novel ‘Sean & Ellie’ is being worked on too.

His & Hers: Raw Lines #13 – back in touch

His:     The trouble is I doubt you, too much time has gone by, if you really cared you would surely have meet up with me by now. I think back a few months to when you said you loved me, I’d never been so happy, but then you withdrew your love saying you’re not sure, but all the time saying you never say anything unless you mean it. Do you really expect me to still believe that? You’d been saying we will meet soon for months, how gullible do you think I am? Read your so brief messages, where did the woman I used to know go. What the hell has happened to you?

Hers:   Nothing has happened to me, I don’t know why you are saying that? I have issues I’m trying to get over but I don’t like to talk about my problems with you as I don’t want to bring you down so I keep a lot to myself and trapped inside. I feel let down by your message to be honest.

His:    I can’t read your mind, I wish I could. I also wish you would share your problems with me and let me help you through them but I can’t do anything for you if you don’t trust me. Let me through your barrier and have me by your side for as long as you want and need me.

Hers:  Well I’m not asking you to read my mind and I’d rather keep my problems to myself, they are personal and for me to deal with, sorry.

His:    When I got back in touch you said I made you so happy and that I was in your heart, it moved me so much to hear you say that. But since you suggested our next step was to meet, and it was you, I just asked what happens next, you have been so indifferent and evasive. I can accept there’s an imbalance in our feelings for each other but even so, to say the least, I’m confused. I don’t know what to do?

Hers:   I’m a little confused here too as I think you are reading things in the wrong way. I do not think there is an imbalance with our feelings and besides, we all do and show things in a different way. We are not all the same. Please try not to over analyse things as you will drive yourself crazy. You don’t need to do anything, okay.

His & Hers raw lines resumed – extracts from ‘Believing Sight Unseen’ – can’t quite believe it’s been a year since I posted  His & Hers: Raw Lines #12 – subtle breeze…and nine months since Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #23 (novel to be published  as  ‘Sam and Erin – Believing Sight Unseen’)

EDC Writing – Prose to poetry – getting started.

My life changed in 2011/2012 – close to ending in 2011 – 2012 saw another me, raw, creative writing a release. ‘Believing Sight Unseen’ appeared, ‘His and Her’ words, in the form of messages, Sam & Erin’s mostly, this ‘new’ blog gives quite a few! An ‘old’ blog deleted, you live and learn – a less naïve me now in the online world!

Back to the beginning,  I wrote, a concept,  a synopsis,  for ‘Believing Sight Unseen’  –  sent out to acquaintances, to varying degrees – almost all said ‘we’re intrigued’ – one said ‘ your writing more poetry than prose ‘ – my take on prose, every word, fell into place as this: 

 

It started on a Sunday, a day unlike any other,

How could it be, when two people, so different,

A woman, blue eyed blond,  a man, blue eyed too and greying,

Came across each other, by chance, by fate,

All that matters is it happened.

 

Defying sense, at least the common sort,

They connected in a virtual way, real enough to them.

Naively they invested in each other, no guarantee of interest.

Their messages flowed as if free, though by what means,

Best not to say, you never know who reads.

 

Early days they wrote of lust and sensuality,

An upside down romance in many ways.

Graphic yes, but never crude, it was as if they knew,

Something special had begun, and with tenderness and care,

They explored, albeit blindly, the senses of each other.

 

Words appeared that had meaning as their hearts began to open,

Flowing into minds where spiteful demons lurked.

Feelings deepened, desires and hopes not fully recognised awakened,

Was this excitation of that latent state, the pure free energy of life.

Would either dare to name it.

 

Tensions rose, unintentional, but impossible to avoid,

In their character-limited message world.

So many misunderstandings, the cruel ambiguity of words.

Awful moments came, filled with agony and hurt,

Yet through extraordinary patience and forgiveness went.

 

Pain washed away by tears left scars unseen,

What fool said falling never hurts?

Now so close, so intimate, they clung each to the other,

A dance of sorts, one step forward, so often two steps back,

A strictly outer body experience.

 

Fate played a hand, an unmarked deck, do we ever know.

He took a chance and gambled, all or nothing now,

Feelings too intense to hide, he blew her mind,

Knocked her demons senseless, both touched and moved so much,

Their hearts became engaged, their souls mated.

 

Demons stirred again, exposing fears deep rooted in her past,

Systemic, defying trust, and maddening to male logic.

All attempts to meet met with frustration, so many times she said she would,

But so strong willed she railed against his pressure, all he did was ask.

For crying out loud, what’s wrong with her, and yes what’s wrong with him.

 

Both hearts ached to beat as one, their bond so fragile yet so strong,

Reaching out, yet still not close enough to touch the other.

So hard they tried to bridge what seemed a chasm,

He falling deep within, her teetering on the edge looking down,

Her biggest fear to lose him.

 

What became of these would be lovers,

Where did they land when falling done,

Hand in hand together, or shattered, broken and apart.

Their story now unfolds for those with hearts that can be touched,

And imaginations that can see beyond this man and woman’s words.

 

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #23

Friday

Sam

I didn’t sleep well last night. I had this niggling thought that you are going to back out of meeting up this weekend. Thankfully daylight has cleared my head. So, Erin, I’ll ask again, where and when works best for you?

Erin

This has all happened so fast though. Don’t you think we should slow down and really talk about us and our feelings? I really don’t want this to end, but I’m also scared it will all fizzle out if we rush things.

Sam

I’d be really disappointed if you still have any concerns about me, especially now. To be honest I find it hard to reconcile what we feel for each other with being on here. We don’t need this site, surely?

Erin

We will have to sort something out that is for sure, something that is good for both of us. I agree that messaging, good as it is, is not enough.

Sam

Oh, please don’t get too enthusiastic, I might actually think you are keen to meet!  Amazing, after all you’ve said to me. I thought we were there, but it seems just nearly.

Erin

Sam, please, it doesn’t help you being sarcastic with me. It’s really not something I appreciate, okay!

Sam

Is that really the best you have to offer?

Erin:

I’m sorry, Sam, I don’t mean to be difficult. I love what we have here. I guess I can be immature at times. You know so much more about life than me, you see things how they are, but I still have things to learn. I hope you won’t give up on us and that you’ll guide me to you.

Sam

I won’t give up on us, but you do need to accept that we need to get off this site and keep in touch directly. I realise it took a lot for you to admit you may have things to learn, we both have, not least to have complete faith in each other.

Erin

Well, yes, I can see that, but I’m not willing to come off of this site until we have met up in person.

Sam 

Erin, our future is in your hands. It’s up to you now to do the right thing for us. We are not strangers, yet you treat me like one. It’s time we moved on, one way or another.

Erin

I am not treating you like a stranger, you know I’m not. That is quite a hurtful remark for you to make, Sam. Just be patient with me, please.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #22

Wednesday

Sam

Somehow we’ll see this through, be off of here, and be together, me and you. It’s what I think of most, the times we have to come. I see you in my mind, try to imagine how you’ll look – your hair, your clothes, what you wear beneath, what it would be like to feel the softness of your skin. I so need to see your smile, to hold your hand I’ll not willingly let go. I think of the things we’ll say, the laughter, the fun, how at ease we’ll be, as us.

Erin

You say such wonderful things to me, Sam. Where do you get all of these lovely words from? You must have such an amazing imagination – I dare not write the things I’m imagining!

 

Thursday

Sam

I have an idea or two about what we could do this weekend, to explore each other a little, to see where we’d like to go next. I’ve no idea where you live other than it must be quite close to London, as I am too. I’m quite flexible. What day and locality would be best for you?

Erin

Are you going to share these ideas with me? I would love to know what sort of places you enjoy going to. Do you think we can do something casual that doesn’t involve booking anything as that would seem a little too formal for me.

Sam

Erin, of course, informal is fine for me. I enjoy all sorts of places. It’s who you’re with and how you feel that matters. We will have a great time, just let me know where and when.

Erin

Sam, you’re so right, it’s the company that you are in that makes a good night out. Sometimes if it’s not a nice place but you’re with a person you really want to be with, it makes everything okay.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #21

Sunday

Sam

Erin, I’ll hold you to that, and every inch of me. It will be so wonderful to see you. I can’t stop smiling at the thought of being with you soon. My heart is thumping as I write – we are so close, just a week away from being all we dreamed. This is our time now – we each deserve to be happy, to be in each other’s arms.

Erin

Your message really has made me feel somewhere between laughing with sheer happiness and crying with emotion. Sam, I don’t know what you are doing to me, but I can’t get you out of my head. I fancy you something rotten, but at the same time you have become my friend – there’s no one who understands me the way you do. I know that being in your arms will feel where I belong. I can only hope you feel the same.

 

Monday

Sam

I feel as though I’m walking on air, in a world with only you. I ache beyond belief to see you. My only wish is to make you happy. We have a future, a good one – please let’s make sure we happen.

Erin

Do you really believe we can bring happiness into one another’s lives? I know that I am happy now,  but can it really last?

Sam

We can and will, Erin. Be strong, hold on, till next weekend, then I’ll be strong enough for both of us and you will see that, yes, all this has been worth it. Do not weaken, we have almost reached out far enough to touch each other – just imagine how wonderful that will be!

Erin

I’m trying, Sam. I really am.

 

Tuesday

 Sam

I so want to be with you, every day of waiting is now almost too much to bear. I’m absolutely committed to you – you are my girl, my perfect woman. I would like to start my life afresh with you, us as a couple, sharing everything in every way.

Erin

Heavens, that is such a powerful statement to make. It makes me feel a little nervous to be honest. I do want you as much as I have said I do, but I do worry that you are putting too much into us. Have you even thought of the possibility that when we meet I may not be what you have conjured up in your head and then you will feel let down? I’m sorry if I sound a bit negative, but I really do need you to keep your feet on the ground.

Sam

I understand what you are saying, Erin, I do see where you are coming from. I realise that for you our romance is something you hope for but until we meet is not a given. But you know, Erin, there is no way you could let me down. When we meet, nothing that I see or hear from you could ever change the way I feel. What lies ahead for us will be good, I’m certain. And you are right, we’ll take it step-by-step, date-by-date and enjoy the pleasure of being with each other.

Erin

I feel the same about taking things step-by-step. I really want to make sure that this is real and not just the first flush of a new relationship. I want this to work and not be a fool again.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #20

Friday

Sam

Erin, I hope you’re home safe. No matter how you feel about yourself right now, no matter what your friends have said that has hurt you so deeply, you are and always will be a very special woman to me. My heart is not broken and nor should yours be. My feelings for you are as they have always been, and always will be. You are an irreplaceable vital part of me. If you feel anger then use it to give you strength to set free the loving caring woman I know you to be – if not for me, then for yourself. And be sure of this, I’d be proud to stand by you, as my friend, my soul-mate and my lover – to be any one of these or all, would make me happy.

Erin

You are the most adoring and gentle man. You are everything I hoped, I imagined, the perfect man could be. Just give me a little time and I will make you feel so proud for me to be your woman.

 

Saturday

Sam

Hello, Erin, how’s your weekend going? I hope you and your friends are seeing eye to eye again, I really do. I would not want to be the cause of any animosity between them and you, a man on the internet, a man you’ve never seen. How could they grasp all we feel? How could they understand the way fate worked for me and you? How we met on here is a mystery, a miracle. I just know we are meant to be, but how could they? How could they know how long ago I fell for you? If only they could see how good I am for you and you are for me.

Erin

That’s just the point. They only see you as a man on the internet, suspect, even dangerous, like the man who scared me once before. They don’t understand our relationship or our feelings for each other. Too bad, they will just have to accept that it’s my life and my choice.

Sam

I obviously touched a nerve asking how things were between you and your friends. I’m not too sure from your reply exactly what it is that you have told them and what you need them to accept as your choice of how to live. That you’ve been scared by something from your past has long been obvious to me. I won’t dwell on this unless you want to talk about it, but I do want you to feel free to talk to me about anything at all. You know I’ll always listen and believe in you. It goes without saying I wish we were together. That you’d let me help you smile, and laugh, and even cry, to just be yourself and know that all I’ll ever want from you is to be the woman I know you are.

Erin

No, let’s not dwell on it. It’s one friend in particular who thinks she knows everything. Let’s focus on us and being happy and my friends will see that I am happy and that’s what should matter to them, right? I love that you are a part of my life – you are the right man for me. I am ready, Sam, let’s make next weekend the beginning of everything for us.

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #19

Wednesday

Sam

I don’t know what to say, no one has ever said the things you have to me. Beautiful inside, if by chance I am, it’s your beauty permeating me – beautiful outside, you must be dazzled by the sun reflecting onto me your own. I thank you from my heart though for saying this to me. I tell you, Erin,  I’m already with you in spirit, heart and mind, and when you are ready I will be physically too, my hand in yours, to give as much joy and happiness as your heart can hold.

Erin

I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Your sweet and caring words make me so happy. I’m so glad that we have met on here, and think that the gods put you in my path so that we can have a future together. My life was so empty until you came along. The only thing that counts now is me and you and nobody else.

 

Thursday

Sam

I absolutely love it when you loosen up and show more of yourself to me. There is so much of you I long to see. I want to come to know your ways, the things that turn you on, and be as one with you.

Erin

I’m glad you like this side to me. If I’m honest this is probably the most open I’ve ever been with anyone. You excite me and at the same time I feel comfortable with you. But I have to say sometimes I turn to the dark side, if you should call it that, when I have had grief from people about being on here. I confess it may have been a bad idea to have told some of my friends as much as I have. We know what we have and that’s all that should matter, isn’t it?

Sam

Erin, what matters is us, how we got to know each other is irrelevant. It happens to be on here, so what. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us.  We are getting to know each other so well, our inner thoughts and yes, our moods. We’ve had a head start, and we’ve grown to trust and have faith in each other, no matter what your friends might think. Yes, I can understand their misplaced concerns, they don’t know me as you do, and perhaps don’t know you as I do. I’m ready. Are you?

Erin

I know it shouldn’t matter, but I don’t like people judging me and looking down their noses when we’ve done nothing wrong. It just angers me a bit, that’s all. Nobody is perfect, but some seem to think they can pass judgement on us. I really get stressed out when things like that cross my mind.

 

Friday

Sam

I keep trying to write, something, anything, which could make a difference. That could make you see there is no harm in me. That would show you there is no reason for us not to have a coffee and activate the chemistry between us face to face. I just don’t have the words, at least not on here, to overcome your doubts and fears. That’s what all this ‘friends’ talk is really about, isn’t it? As long as we’re on here we’ll not amount to anything, and you’ll have proved your friends right. But if you can show your happiness from the moment that we meet and the ways we find to share our lives, they’ll realise against all odds the joy of you and me.

Erin

Oh, please do not say that we will not come to anything.  Can you not see how heart broken and angry I am with myself? I do not need to hear that you are as well as that would be torture for me. All I want to do is make you happy and have you be proud of me, but I’m too scared. Do you know how I hate myself right now?

Their Days: Sam & Erin’s Story #18

Tuesday

Sam

Friends… I have one who knows about you. I didn’t tell her, she worked it out. Something to do with me talking in my sleep, and no, not with her – it’s just the nature of the things we do that we need to share accommodation. As it happens I saw her last week, the first time we’d met up since we were in Greenland. I’ve mentioned her before – she took my profile photo. We’ve been to some inhospitable places, all in the name of science! Bottom line, she was shocked that we had not met up and told me exactly what she thought was going on. Not at all complimentary – to either you or me. Made me think, do you get reactions like this from your friends when you talk of us?

Erin

My friends are excited for me and know you must be a very special man, because I keep telling them! My closest friend looks out for me, but as yet she hasn’t said too much. She is the only one who knows about the bad experience I had which as you well know has made me very cautious. I remember you telling me about your colleague – I hadn’t realised you were that close. She sounds as if she might be jealous of me. I admit I feel a bit that way with her. Anyway, exactly what does she think is going on here then?

Sam

She thought you had ‘daddy issues’ and you were just using me as an emotional sop. She said she was amazed that I was dumb enough to fall for it and mad to think you would ever meet me. And for good measure, I was effectively using you to make me feel good – actually it was worse than that!  I tried to explain, but she’s a bit headstrong, and up and left, and we haven’t spoken since. The sooner we are out in the open, and face whatever we might have to, the better, don’t you think?

Erin

Oh my God, I’m absolutely furious. Who the hell does she think she is? She clearly feels bad about herself for her to be making those assumptions. Are you going to be able to handle her?  I’m worried she’ll try to mess things up for us.

Sam

I must admit I didn’t expect that reaction from her. Maybe it’s just as well I’ve not told anyone else about us. I guess it would be a stretch for anyone to get their heads around our relationship. It’s taken us quite a while, hasn’t it? Anyway, I’m sure she will be fine, I caught her cold so to speak. I’ll be working with her again this week – I doubt anything more will be said.

Erin

It just makes me so mad that a friend could be so hurtful and say what she said to you. You are an amazing person and you shouldn’t need anyone to make you feel good.  You are a beautiful man, inside and out. I’m so sorry that I have made things awkward for you. Please assure her, I’m not playing games with you or your feelings and never will. I am genuine, Sam. I’ve fallen for you.