#17 Their Days: Indiscretion – In my own way

[Believing Sight Unseen – Their Days – Sam & Erin’s Story]

 

Saturday

Sam:

Yet another weekend, you’ll look so good, so gorgeous, so desirable on a night or two out with your friends, maybe a date, maybe someone regular? I’m not naive, you are a highly sexed woman – you have your needs and more ways than most to sate them. I just do not understand, given all you’ve said you feel, why not with me? I’m struggling now to comprehend what we are all about, please tell me why you’re doing this to me? I’ve been hurting too long to keep on taking more, why can’t you open up and let me in, why can’t you let me see who you really are?

Erin:

Yes, I am going out but there won’t be any dates with men or women, just me and my friends. Believe it or not although I am highly sexed there is more to life than just sex. You are going on like I am sleeping with everyone apart from you!

Sam:

I do not think of you like that at all, you should know that! Of course I know there is much more to a relationship than sex – I know that more than most. I wish you did not get so defensive whenever I try to let you know how I feel. Look, as yet we have not made any commitment to each other, but I want to Erin, you know that. We are not exclusive to each other, but I want to be with you, but we have not even met so I do not expect it from you. It’s obviously your life to live as you like – I’d just like to know when I’ll be a part of it?

Erin:

You are a part of it and that is what I am saying, there is no one else. I am enjoying the time getting to know you, no hidden agenda, I just want it to continue as we are and see how it goes that’s it, it’s for all the right reasons you know?

San:

If only I knew what to say, had words left to give you what you seem to need, more and more of them from me. I want to share my thoughts with you but nothing new will come, I’ve revealed all I am, more to you than anyone, you know the man I am. You say you have no agenda, yet you seem to want to control me – no one ever has, or ever will. Don’t you see, I’d give everything for you, willingly of my own free will. I think of us as equals, dynamic individuals, free spirits, with engaged hearts, separated for no good reason that I can see. Erin, do you really need more of this or the real possibility of us?

Erin:

I don’t need the possibility of us, I need the real us. I always have and always will. Have I ever given you reason to doubt this? I’ve loved getting to know you and still do. I thought you knew our feelings were mutual.

Sam:

I need the real us too, Erin. Only you can bridge the gap between us, only you can say the time for us to meet, our future is in your hands now, only you can make us complete. We have stood the test of time, it’s our time now to be together, it’s time we said ‘hello’ and be what we can be.

Erin:

I appreciate what you are saying, Sam. Our knowledge of each other is growing, I know our feelings are getting deeper, but it’s strange for me to feel like this and I just need us to be more comfortable with each other before we get together.

Sam:

You are not hearing what I say. You do not understand I am way ahead of you, my feelings are the deepest. I am uncomfortable being without you, uncomfortable being on here. There is more to us than just what you want, what I want matters too. There has to be a way ahead for us – what are we actually waiting for?

Erin:

I am hearing you very loud and clear! I’ve asked you not to push me – maybe you need to keep a firmer grip of your feelings?

Sam:

No, Erin, I am not holding back my feelings, how can I, they are real. If you can keep a grip on yours then perhaps they are not so real. I cannot bear to be apart from you, yet you just want to be on here. We need to talk, Erin, I need to hear your voice, I need to look into your eyes and have you see just how much I’ve fallen for you.

Erin:

Sam, I do want to talk to you but I feel better talking here first. There are things that I can say here that I could never say to you face to face or over the phone. Please let me in my own way.

#16 Their Days: Indiscretion – Down to me

The previous phase ‘Exposure’ now has two additional posts #13 & #14 which set the scene for ‘Indiscretion’ 

The narrative scene which starts ‘Indiscretion’ was posted prematurely and has now been renumbered as #15

Indeed a work in progress!

…..

Friday

Sam:

I’ve been struggling for words, at least the right ones, I hope these are? I’m trying to sort out what matters in my head, to see where we’ve been, how things are, how we move on from here. It’s hard when you love what we have on here and I’d love to be with you. We seem to have grown to know ourselves a little better as we’ve become closer. Yet I know next to nothing about you that I could tell someone, but feel I know you as no other. It’s as if we’re fluent in another language, the linguistics of our hearts? I really don’t know, do you?

Erin:

Yes, I suppose we are getting to know ourselves as well as one another. I hadn’t thought of it like that before. I’m glad you got back in touch with me you know?

Sam:

I hadn’t realised I’d been away? As I say I’ve been looking at us, seeing things as they are. Your mixed messages and the brevity of your replies isn’t helping me or us much. I’m not sure what to expect of you, not sure if you have anything more to give. You seem immovable from your life on here, detached from doing anything for us.

Erin:

Even a day of not hearing from someone on here can feel a lot longer than it is. I am not sure what it is you are trying to say, but I would suggest you just say what it is in the bluntest form possible?

Sam:

Erin, I’m not trying to say anything I have not said before. You know how much I need to move on from here, yet you linger on this site for what seems to me one reason, you do not believe I am the man for you. So hardly surprising I am confused when you say you need me, that I’m your friend, yet do absolutely nothing to see me. I’ve nothing blunt to say, I’ve always felt the need of you, to be yours. It’s such a shame you can’t find it in you to believe me.

Erin:

I do believe you could be the man for me, but it takes longer than a few weeks to get to know someone you have never talked to before, don’t you agree? So I want to know who the real person is who I feel all this passion for.

Sam:

Erin, why say we have only known each other a few weeks when it’s been months since we started messaging. It worries me that you choose to have no memory of our past, the feelings we’ve exchanged for so very long. Being on here is your choice not mine. I’d like to talk to you but you won’t let me call. I’d love to meet you but know better than to ask. Its time you made your mind up don’t you think; to let me into your real life, or not?

Erin:

I don’t know why. It just doesn’t seem as though it has been as long as that. I haven’t forgotten the things that we have shared, only didn’t realise it had been so long. When you put it that way, yes, it is down to me.

#15 Their Days: Indiscretion – A walk in the park

21st Nov’17 – Please note that this, the first of the ‘Indiscretion’ posts has been renumbered (#15) due to the addition of two ‘Exposure’ posts ( #13 & #14).

Wednesday

As Amy ran, he held the lift doors open. “Sixth floor please,” she said, her pulse rate normal, her face unflushed. They ascended in silence, his face creased with the aftermath of a grin. She’d seen him before, of that Amy was sure. The lift gave a slight judder, then the doors opened, he held back… as a gentleman, as an Englishman would. Well he’s definitely British, not Welsh though, too silent, Scottish, the grin, maybe not, what the hell, let’s find out she thought. “Good morning, thank you for holding the lift for me”. He nodded and walked beside her to their common destination.

Inside the glass sided room Sam stood, rocking from foot to foot.  He couldn’t bear to wait for anything or anyone, a flaw, one of few he allowed to be seen. Exactly on time Amy entered, they exchanged kisses, both cheeks and to her surprise, Sam hugged her, albeit lightly. He never did that, unless… she needed his protection.

“Amy, Doctor Styles” Sam corrects himself “may I introduce Professor Claudio Almanti, head of the UN Task Group coordinating our more discrete activities.”

Amy’s eyes pinged, from Sam to the tall slim Italian, and back. “What the hell is going on” she thought as she replied “Good morning, Professor Almanti, I believe we have met before?”

“Please take a seat, Doctor Styles, indeed we have, and I don’t mean in the lift.” Amy did as asked, though annoyed at his abruptness, and all the more so to see that damn grin crease his face again.

Sam, sat anti-clockwise with, Almanti, clockwise to her. Both men face to face, at arm’s length across the round table, her future in their hands.  And so it began, the end she never allowed herself to think of.

Less than an hour later, Amy and Sam walked slowly in Regents Park, London’s bustle ever near. Amy held his arm, he let her, he wanted her to; she at least knew that. They stopped and as if completely natural, briefly kissed, for the first time ever on their lips. Now they had to talk.

“Amy, believe me, you are ready, more than ready; you are beyond any need of me.”

Amy, agitated, demanded “Sam are you ill, are you not telling me something, there is something not right here, why are you giving up working with me, I thought we were the perfect team?”

“You are perfect, Amy, it’s time for you to lead a field team. Not quite as we were, two Brits doing things our way, but, as Claudio put it, to be seen to work in a more collective European way; while still hard wired to the Americans. You know the way this game is played.”

“But…” before she could continue Sam placed his left hand index finger on her lips… she looked him straight in the eyes as she moved it down to her third blouse button, the top two undone.  If he blinked she missed it, he stared her out, let his finger find her skin, three buttons undone now.

Sam filled the silence. “You have the authority, the reputation, the energy; hell you even speak most of their languages. The Germans want you, the French love you, the Italians, well, you know how they feel about you.  I’ve never known Claudio quite so nervous. Sure he hides it, apart from that grin and a slip of manners. Amy, he needs you, I need you, it’s vital you accept. You will won’t you?”

Sam sighs as he remembers when she first cast her spell. His finger feels a flutter from her heart.  Amy sighs too, and then her heart stills as she remembers the tall Italian asking overly informed questions in Canada last autumn. That conference a front, a means to get a particular set of skills together, in full view, yet unobserved. No one takes much notice when scientists do their thing.

“Sam, you’ve never talked to me like this, you make out I’m your equal when we both know no one is. And you’ve never been like this with me. Don’t get me wrong, you are a breath of fresh air, just about the only man who didn’t try to use his status to touch me up… stop smiling, you’re making me blush. Seriously, Sam, you’ve always been a gentleman, even when I didn’t want you to be. You must know how I feel about you, you do don’t you? It’s why I reacted the way I did about Erin… sorry.”

“Amy, as I just said you’re perfect, a little headstrong maybe… don’t roll those gorgeous eyes at me… oh go on then … my God you’re beautiful.”

“Sam, don’t stop, please don’t stop, don’t let me go… hang on… you just said I’m beautiful… fuck you Sam… hey…”

Sam took her breath, his finger stroked her breast… fluidic activation of her willing body.

Her mind gave up a gesture “Is this because of Greenland, when you first saw my nanoprobes … stop it Sam … you’re laughing at me …what’s going on?”

Sam kissed her, slowly, gently, parted her lips, let their tongue tips touch, no words could ever say so much.