His & Hers: Raw Lines #2 – Can’t let go

Can’t let go …

His:

I see no possibility of understanding or forgiveness from you so why are you still messaging if I’m so evil, so beneath you, so not your type? What you think matters, but what you think about me is wrong, but you’ll never know. It’s such a shame, but if you really have nothing left in you for me then please stop messaging me and I’ll go. And just so you know, I got it wrong, I blew it; looks like I’ve lost the woman I love, but you won’t believe that either.

Hers:

Because quite simply I can’t let go! I am desperately trying to work out why you said what you said. It upset me so much but then again it made me realise exactly how much you mean to me. I still want you so much!

…..

His & Hers – raw lines extracted at random from ‘Believing Sight Unseen’  a file of what was a quarter of a million words – now culled to about a hundred and fifty thousand – so many repetitions when a man and woman talk.

His & Hers: Raw Lines #1 – How do you feel today?

How do you feel today …

His:

How do you feel today? Your choice made, down to you, to be without me, happy to be young and carefree, moving on to suit your will? Smiling, knowing you’ll always be wanted, needed, in every way, by someone, your choice always, who you’ll let near. Every flaw, every fault of mine, magnified on here, every hope every feeling for you etched into my heart. You to me reality, the finality of desire, the ever present of my mind, the pearl of every tear, unforgettable, untouchable by me. And so, your choice for me to go, reluctantly accepted, my would be lover, the darling of my body heart and soul.

Hers:

Well that’s a lovely way of summing up everything, if it were true. I don’t see why you need to go, it’s not my choice, it’s one you’ve made, for whatever reason? Don’t you think it unfair that I don’t hear from you for weeks and then you make out that I’ve not missed you, that I don’t want you. What exactly did you want me to say, did you really think I was just going to hang around and pine for you?  I tell you, I’m disappointed in you, I thought you knew me?

…..

His & Hers – raw lines extracted from ‘Believing Sight Unseen’  a file of what was a quarter of a million words – now culled to about a hundred and fifty thousand – so many repetitions when a man and woman talk.

‘Believing Sight Unseen: Their Days’  the first book, ‘Sam & Erin’s Story’ evolved from this file – around thirty-five thousand words – to be published this Spring.

Further ‘His & Hers’ stories to come – believe me.

…..

EDC Shorts: lines – ‘prose’ – poetry #77

Believing Sight Unseen: Their Days is nearing completion. Sam & Erin’s story as posted on this blog  is a mix of narrative and message scenes – that will change to message only in the final book.  By chance I came across this version of their opening messages written in 2015 – the final version no doubt will be a little different but for me this is the awakening of Sam & Erin’s story.

…..

Sunday

Sam:

Sites like this are not my thing but playing around on the internet as you do your photo appeared to me, by chance, by fate who knows, but somehow you captivated me, your style, your class, your beauty, I just had to sign up, to say hello. It seems I’ve eyes for no one else, others may show their boobs, their bum and more, as if to say look at me not you, but you are the one that fills my eyes, you are the big surprise. That you are here at all I can’t think why, with your looks you could have anyone you want, but of course you’ll have your reasons, good luck to you, have fun. So there it is, I’m Sam, hello to you, I’m spell bound by your smile.

Erin:

Oh my goodness, what a lovely message – do you really mean that? I’m Erin by the way and from what I can see you look fit!

 

Monday

Sam:

Hello Erin, l can’t quite believe you got in touch, I keep looking at your photo, you really do look amazing. As for my photo, just a bit of fun to show I haven’t gone to seed! I’ve not done anything like this before, all I can do is be me, and write the way I feel.

Erin:

I like the way you write, it’s refreshing to chat to a guy who seems interested in me, most men on here are only interested in one thing!

 

Tuesday

Sam:

There must be plenty men who’ve been awed by your looks, your sensuality, your charms, I cannot imagine you ever having to try too hard, or being alone, so I have to ask, why spend time on a man like me?

Erin:

I find that a lot of guys who would like to be with me are far too immature. I’ve always been attracted to the more intelligent male and I like older guys too as I feel I’m treated much better by them, though there are always exceptions to the rules. What about you?

Sam:

For me intelligence and looks only go so far, it’s who and how you are that really matters. You have something, you intrigue me, and if you don’t mind me saying, it sounds as if you’ve been let down a time or two? Men say they cannot help but be what they are, some though do try to be as women want, but I’ll not deny it isn’t always easy! Sorry I’m probably talking too much?

Erin:

No not at all I don’t think you talk too much and I like reading what you have to say, it is all so real and insightful, I feel as though I am connecting with you and I am enjoying it and you.

EDC Shorts: lines – ‘prose’ -poetry #51

Messaging after dark … #2 of 2

 

Shaun

Come on Emily, let’s not cover old ground again. I’ve explained before why I came on here, why I started messaging, that the only reason I am on here is for you. I would love to be off of this site, but we’ve been through that too. I know it’s not going to happen until you feel able to meet me.

Emily

I appreciate what you are saying, but we haven’t bumped into each other on the street or in a club. We have met on the internet which comes with caution in my eyes. You really do need to remember you throw me each time you disappear and then come back again. Why do you keep doing this to me?

Shaun

The reasons have always been the same. Your inability to keep past promises, my frustration that you so often said you cared and trusted me yet would never tell me anything personal about yourself, you not having faith in me to respect the privilege of having direct contact with you, do I need to go on. All these things have come between us before but you chose to ignore them. I now realise that if we are to have a chance it can only come through your desire, mine has long been there. I want and need us to be real. So yes, hard lessons learnt.

Emily

I am so very sorry that you feel this way. I have not been stringing you along. I thought we would have met ages ago but it has just not happened yet. I don’t really know what to suggest. I want you to be happy in life, but I am not sure I can give you what you want. I am not perfect I know that, I have my faults, and yes I do lack in confidence, but I assure you I am genuine. I am truly sorry if you do not believe me.

Shaun

I believe you, Emily, and have no doubt that you are real and genuine. It’s taken a long time, too long, I know, for me to at last understand you well enough to say this. I promise you I mean it. My past reasons for leaving here are as I say in the past. I know just how much I feel for you. I’ve never known my heart ache as much as the times words have not passed between us. I’m here now because I need to be close to you, to at least have this much of you in my life, and hope for so much more. To me you mean more than anyone I’ve ever known. Emily, I’ll not willingly ever let you go again.

Emily

I’m glad you believe and trust me, but it has taken a lot of time to get to this point hasn’t it? I admit I am quite a closed person, yet somehow you have found a way in. Please, let’s just concentrate on our future together, and let me see the man behind the words.

Shaun

I’d love for us to now concentrate on our future together. Just writing those words make me feel so good about us. When I think of you, it’s always with you smiling; us side by side, holding hands. I have such a sense of romance, of serenity, of the magic that is us, of our need of each other. Emily, I have no doubt, we are meant to be.

Emily

I thought we were meant to be too, and still think that.  But we do have to move on from our misunderstanding as I am not here for an up and down relationship. I just want to be happy and for everything to be plain sailing. Is that too much to ask?

Shaun

You are here and I am here and that is all that matters now. For me it’s even more fundamental. What matters most is that we are in touch, that we communicate, that we let our feelings show. What I write to you comes from how I feel deep within, love from a giving heart. Whatever life may bring to me, I already have what means most, the feeling that I am as one with the woman that I love.

Emily

That is a really beautiful message. I feel so very lucky to have you in my life. I can feel your heart is so full of love and kindness. I promise you will find I’m worth the wait. The day will come when we will laugh about this, holding hands together. Goodnight my darling, Shaun.

 

[Source: Believing Sight Unseen ‘His & Hers’ words file]

EDC Shorts: lines – ‘prose’ – poetry #50

Messaging After Dark … #1 of 2

 

Shaun

Whatever the rights and wrongs of us I should not have said goodbye so badly, not said goodbye at all. The disappointment I turned out to be for you I’ve been to myself too. Yes, the cruel words came from me, but they are not me. The feelings I have for you are and always will be real. I’ll not hinder you from moving on other than to say, when, for whatever reason you messaged as if you did not know me on that awful Sunday I was in shock. It was as if all we’d ever said and felt was lost, that we were broken. No excuse, I should not have let you and myself down. I should have acted as the man I really am. I am so sorry, Emily.

Emily

Look, I am a bit confused by all of this to be honest. I thought that we were quite happy and moving along then it all seems to have got a bit miserable. I was just about to go to bed but I’m not going to be sleeping for a while now am I, Shaun.

Shaun

I did not realise it had got so late. I’d lost track of time thinking how to explain, but in no way excuse, the horrible way I had treated you. You had said goodbye with good grace, I to my shame, as an ignorant fool. Sadly, I cannot undo what’s been done, and I accept that at times I must confuse you. These past few weeks, I’ve missed you so very much, missed us being in touch. I’m always wondering how you are, you are always on my mind. I was not sure you would reply, thank you, Emily, it means so much to me.  I’ll not try to second guess you, so please ask me anything and I’ll answer with the truth.

Emily

I would like to ask what you would like to happen now. You say that you have missed me, but you haven’t shown any signs of wanting to talk to me. You must understand what mixed signals you are sending?

Shaun

I do not want to harp on about the past, what has passed between us. But, if I’m honest I feel the need to know if you remember just how long we have had a relationship on here; that you do know me, as I know you. You are the only woman I’ve ever truly romanced, the only woman to have been shown what is in my heart. I want and need you in my life, in any way you can be. What happens now is really up to you, I do not want to lose you.

Emily

I’ve never wanted to lose you, Shaun – you went not me. I think we need to get back to basics and try and get things back on track, but I can’t manage the upset and the hurt anymore, okay. Let’s just see where we can go from here, and forget the past, else we will never move forward.

Shaun

I feel the same, but can’t you see I need reassurance that you really do know me. The uncertainty is where the pain and hurt came from.

Emily

You really don’t have to be like that. I do want to get to know you, but I don’t want it to keep being like this, it doesn’t get us anywhere does it?

Shaun

The thing is you do know me, and have done for a spring and summer. Yes we had stopped and re-started messaging a few times, but never for more than a week or two.  Yet, each time you do not seem to remember much of what had gone before. You know my whole life story – you have been told more on here about me than anyone who has ever met or lived with me. Emily, it matters a great deal to me to know the base we are recovering from, how else can we move on? I’m not testing you, nothing like that, nor asking any questions. I just want you to be open with me so we can make the best of this we can.

Emily

It throws me off every time we stop and start. Every time you come back you blame yourself, and when you go you blame me. I think you would be much the same if it was me doing this to you. You would begin to feel like you never knew where you were. You can’t stop for a few weeks, or whatever, and then expect everything to be as it was. Can’t you see I always have this fear that you will just disappear again. I’m sorry Shaun, I really can’t help thinking that way. There needs to be consistency because you really do make me worry that you would be like this in real time with me.

 

[Source: Believing Sight Unseen ‘His & Hers’ words file]

EDC Shorts: ‘lines’ – prose – poetry #48

@EDC_Writing  – #Hashtag lines: 29 Nov’17  [#1lineWed: ‘trust’]

“Little by little in your own way tell me something of you, about you, let me slowly in, and as each day passes as you feel more as one with me, I’ll grow to know more of you, and as your faith grows, trust will follow, and the day will come when I am there beside you”

…..

“I care about you more than you know, whether it is love I don’t know. I find it hard to say I love someone I have only spoken to via messages, I know the onus is on me to change this, and I will, until then I ask you to please trust me and your feelings for me.”

 

[Source: Believing Sight Unseen – ‘His & Hers’ words file]

#14 Their Days: Exposure – This weekend?

Monday

Sam:

Somehow we’ll see this through, be off of here, and be together, me and you. It’s what I think of most, the times we have to come. I see you in my mind, try to imagine how you look, your hair, your clothes, what you wear beneath, what it would be like to feel the softness of your skin. I so need to see your smile, to hold your hand I’ll not willingly let go. I think of the things we’ll say, the laughter, the fun, how at ease we’ll be, as us.

Erin:

You say such wonderful things to me, Sam. Where do you get all of these lovely words from? You must have such an amazing imagination, I dare not write the things I’m imagining!

Sam:

I have an idea or two about what we could do this weekend; to explore each other a little, to see where we’d like to go next?  I’ve no idea where you live other than it must be quite close to London, as I am too. I’m quite flexible, what day and locality would be best for you?

Erin:

Are you going to share these ideas with me? I would love to know what sort of places you enjoy going to. Do you think we can do something casual that doesn’t involve booking anything as that would seem a little too formal for me.

Sam:

Erin, of course, informal is fine for me. I enjoy all sorts of places, it’s who you’re with and how you feel that matters. We will have a great time, just let me know where and when?

Erin:

Sam, you’re so right it’s the company that you are in that makes a good night out. Sometimes if it’s not a nice place but you’re with a person you really want to be with it makes everything okay.

 

Tuesday

Sam:

I didn’t sleep well last night. I had this niggling thought that you are going to back out of meeting up this weekend. Thankfully daylight has cleared my head. So, Erin, I’ll ask again, where and when works best for you?

Erin:

This has all happened so fast though. Don’t you think we should slow down and really talk about us and our feelings? I really don’t want this to end but I am also scared it will all fizzle out if we rush things.

Sam:

Come on, Erin, do not falter. Have faith in your feelings, and in mine for you. We’ve taken a long time to get to this moment, a time in our lives when happiness is ours to have. Have the courage to meet and through our smiles, our eyes, our spoken words you will see we are truly right for each other, not for a while, but for ever.

Erin:

When you put it like that you make me believe that everything is going to be alright. I so hope that you are right because I really believe that you and I have something very special. I ache for you, Sam.

Sam:

Erin, we are very special, an inseparable part of each other. It will be so wonderful to see you. I can’t stop smiling at the thought of being with you soon, I feel so happy, my eyes are misting, overflowing with all I feel for you. We are so close, just a few days away from being all we’ve spoken of on here.

Erin:

I have never come across such a romantic and kind hearted man as you, Sam. I know I couldn’t ask anything more of you. I’m trying to be strong, yet I’m so anxious, please be patient with me.

Sam:

I’d be really disappointed if you still have any concerns about me, especially now. To be honest I find it hard to reconcile what we feel for each other with being on here, we don’t need this site surely?

Erin:

We will have to sort something out that is for sure, something that is good for both of us. I agree that messaging, good as it is, is not enough.

Sam:

Oh please don’t get too enthusiastic, I might actually think you are keen to meet!  Amazing after all you’ve said to me. I thought we were there, but it seems just nearly.

Erin:

Sam, please, it doesn’t help you being sarcastic with me. It’s really not something I appreciate, okay!

Sam:

Is that really the best you have to offer?

Erin:

I’m sorry, Sam, I don’t mean to be difficult. I love what we have here. I guess I can be immature at times. You know so much more about life than me, you see things how they are but I still have things to learn. I hope you won’t give up on us and that you’ll guide me to you.

Sam:

I won’t give up on us but you do need to accept that we need to get off this site and keep in touch directly. I realise it took a lot for you to admit you may have things to learn, we both have, not least to have complete faith in each other.

Erin:

Well, yes, I can see that but I am not willing to come off of this site until we have met up in person.

Sam: 

Erin, our future is in your hands. It’s up to you now to do the right thing for us. We are not strangers yet you treat me like one. It’s time we moved on, one way or another?

Erin:

I am not treating you like a stranger, you know I’m not. That is quite a hurtful remark for you to make, Sam. Just be a little patient with me, please, I’m asking for just a little more time.

#13 Their Days: Exposure – Almost there

Sunday

Sam:

Erin, I’ll hold you to that, and every inch of me. It will be so wonderful to see you, the woman I believe you are. I can’t stop smiling at the thought of being with you soon. My heart is thumping as I write, we are so close, just a week away from being all we dreamed. This is our time now; we each deserve to be happy, to be in each other’s arms.

Erin:

Your message really has made me feel somewhere between laughing with sheer happiness and crying with emotion. Sam, I don’t know what you are doing to me but I can’t get you out of my head. I fancy you something rotten but at the same time you have become my friend – there’s no one who understands me the way you do. I know that being in your arms will feel where I belong. I can only hope you feel the same.

Sam:

I feel as though I’m walking on air, in a world with only you. You to me are beyond a dream. I ache beyond belief to see you, to hold you close, to kiss your lips. Where I belong is where you are – my future entwined with yours.

Erin:

I think you are too good to be true, I don’t mean that in a horrible way though. I just mean I have never known anyone like you. It does feel a lot like a dream, as if it can’t be real that a man like you exists, that a man like you wants me.

Sam:

I’m real, I’m yours. I exist to be with you, to share your life, as your man, your friend, as whatever you need of me. Another week, I hope and pray it will be the last I have without you. My only wish, my one desire, is to make you happy. We have a future, a good one – please let’s make sure we happen.

Erin:

Do you really believe we can bring that much happiness into one another’s lives. I know that I am happy now but can it really last?

Sam:

It can and will Erin. Be strong, hold on, till next weekend then I’ll be strong enough for both of us and you will see that, yes, all this has been worth it, and yes we are really meant to be. Do not weaken, we have almost reached out far enough to touch each other, just imagine how wonderful that will be! Put your trust in your feelings for me, as I do yours for me. I am absolutely putting my faith in you to bring us together.

Erin:

I will be strong in the knowledge that you are there both with me and for me. I’m sure that all this will be well worth the wait. I keep having to pinch myself to make sure that I’m not just in a lovely dream.

Sam:

I so want to be with you, every day of waiting now is almost too much to bear. I am absolutely committed to you; you are my girl, my perfect woman. I would like to start my life afresh with you, us as a couple, sharing life together in every way.

Erin:

Heavens that is such a powerful statement to make and I feel a little nervous to be honest. I do want you as much as I have said I do but I do worry that you are putting too much in to us. Have you even thought of the possibility that when we meet I may not be what you have conjured up in your head and then you would feel let down. I am sorry if I sound a bit negative but I really do need you to keep your feet on the ground.

Sam:

I understand what you are saying Erin, I do see where you are coming from. I realise that for you our romance is something you hope for but until we meet is not a given. But you know Erin there is no way you could let me down, as you say I know you, you have become my friend too as well as the woman I adore. When we meet, nothing that I see or hear from you could ever change that. What lies ahead for us will be good I’m certain, and you are right, we’ll take it step by step, date by date and enjoy the pleasure of being with each other.

Erin:

I know, I feel the same, but I really want to make sure that this is real and not just the first flush of a new relationship. I want this to work and not be a fool again.

EDC Shorts: lines – ‘prose’ – poetry #11

It’s not like they’ll ever meet

 

He sent the emails, he knew, he shouldn’t have. Well, more in reply to hers, she’d hit him unexpectedly, early morning watching some old film starring, he can’t remember who. In truth a film he hardly saw, too caught up in chasing her with words. All he said was he missed her, her beauty her quirky ways … and that she was special, and other things he’d said before, come on, where did he go wrong?

Within the hour she’d sent back photos, quite a few, most innocent, except one or two. The pole in her bedroom, okay, he guessed she exercised, but the tattoo, the last letter of his name clipping her pantie line. Had to be seen to be believed and yes right then he wanted to. He craved to trace the inked label, even though six thousand miles away, his night, her afternoon. A bit of fun, okay, taken a bit too far, no real harm done. It’s not like they’ll ever meet.

He played it cool, sent back ‘Looking good!’

She followed up ‘I’m on my way.’

On the way to where, he grinned, so up himself he thought his words were that good. Reality sank in, bloody hell she’s coming to the UK! No worries, he thinks, how can she know where I live.

‘Hi, just arrived, I’m in a taxi, found your address on Goggle, I’ll be there in half an hour.’

Internet liaisons … be careful what you wish for and what you leave out there.