#17 Their Days: Indiscretion – In my own way

[Believing Sight Unseen – Their Days – Sam & Erin’s Story]

 

Saturday

Sam:

Yet another weekend, you’ll look so good, so gorgeous, so desirable on a night or two out with your friends, maybe a date, maybe someone regular? I’m not naive, you are a highly sexed woman – you have your needs and more ways than most to sate them. I just do not understand, given all you’ve said you feel, why not with me? I’m struggling now to comprehend what we are all about, please tell me why you’re doing this to me? I’ve been hurting too long to keep on taking more, why can’t you open up and let me in, why can’t you let me see who you really are?

Erin:

Yes, I am going out but there won’t be any dates with men or women, just me and my friends. Believe it or not although I am highly sexed there is more to life than just sex. You are going on like I am sleeping with everyone apart from you!

Sam:

I do not think of you like that at all, you should know that! Of course I know there is much more to a relationship than sex – I know that more than most. I wish you did not get so defensive whenever I try to let you know how I feel. Look, as yet we have not made any commitment to each other, but I want to Erin, you know that. We are not exclusive to each other, but I want to be with you, but we have not even met so I do not expect it from you. It’s obviously your life to live as you like – I’d just like to know when I’ll be a part of it?

Erin:

You are a part of it and that is what I am saying, there is no one else. I am enjoying the time getting to know you, no hidden agenda, I just want it to continue as we are and see how it goes that’s it, it’s for all the right reasons you know?

San:

If only I knew what to say, had words left to give you what you seem to need, more and more of them from me. I want to share my thoughts with you but nothing new will come, I’ve revealed all I am, more to you than anyone, you know the man I am. You say you have no agenda, yet you seem to want to control me – no one ever has, or ever will. Don’t you see, I’d give everything for you, willingly of my own free will. I think of us as equals, dynamic individuals, free spirits, with engaged hearts, separated for no good reason that I can see. Erin, do you really need more of this or the real possibility of us?

Erin:

I don’t need the possibility of us, I need the real us. I always have and always will. Have I ever given you reason to doubt this? I’ve loved getting to know you and still do. I thought you knew our feelings were mutual.

Sam:

I need the real us too, Erin. Only you can bridge the gap between us, only you can say the time for us to meet, our future is in your hands now, only you can make us complete. We have stood the test of time, it’s our time now to be together, it’s time we said ‘hello’ and be what we can be.

Erin:

I appreciate what you are saying, Sam. Our knowledge of each other is growing, I know our feelings are getting deeper, but it’s strange for me to feel like this and I just need us to be more comfortable with each other before we get together.

Sam:

You are not hearing what I say. You do not understand I am way ahead of you, my feelings are the deepest. I am uncomfortable being without you, uncomfortable being on here. There is more to us than just what you want, what I want matters too. There has to be a way ahead for us – what are we actually waiting for?

Erin:

I am hearing you very loud and clear! I’ve asked you not to push me – maybe you need to keep a firmer grip of your feelings?

Sam:

No, Erin, I am not holding back my feelings, how can I, they are real. If you can keep a grip on yours then perhaps they are not so real. I cannot bear to be apart from you, yet you just want to be on here. We need to talk, Erin, I need to hear your voice, I need to look into your eyes and have you see just how much I’ve fallen for you.

Erin:

Sam, I do want to talk to you but I feel better talking here first. There are things that I can say here that I could never say to you face to face or over the phone. Please let me in my own way.

EDC Shorts: lines – ‘prose’ -poetry #51

Messaging after dark … #2 of 2

 

Shaun

Come on Emily, let’s not cover old ground again. I’ve explained before why I came on here, why I started messaging, that the only reason I am on here is for you. I would love to be off of this site, but we’ve been through that too. I know it’s not going to happen until you feel able to meet me.

Emily

I appreciate what you are saying, but we haven’t bumped into each other on the street or in a club. We have met on the internet which comes with caution in my eyes. You really do need to remember you throw me each time you disappear and then come back again. Why do you keep doing this to me?

Shaun

The reasons have always been the same. Your inability to keep past promises, my frustration that you so often said you cared and trusted me yet would never tell me anything personal about yourself, you not having faith in me to respect the privilege of having direct contact with you, do I need to go on. All these things have come between us before but you chose to ignore them. I now realise that if we are to have a chance it can only come through your desire, mine has long been there. I want and need us to be real. So yes, hard lessons learnt.

Emily

I am so very sorry that you feel this way. I have not been stringing you along. I thought we would have met ages ago but it has just not happened yet. I don’t really know what to suggest. I want you to be happy in life, but I am not sure I can give you what you want. I am not perfect I know that, I have my faults, and yes I do lack in confidence, but I assure you I am genuine. I am truly sorry if you do not believe me.

Shaun

I believe you, Emily, and have no doubt that you are real and genuine. It’s taken a long time, too long, I know, for me to at last understand you well enough to say this. I promise you I mean it. My past reasons for leaving here are as I say in the past. I know just how much I feel for you. I’ve never known my heart ache as much as the times words have not passed between us. I’m here now because I need to be close to you, to at least have this much of you in my life, and hope for so much more. To me you mean more than anyone I’ve ever known. Emily, I’ll not willingly ever let you go again.

Emily

I’m glad you believe and trust me, but it has taken a lot of time to get to this point hasn’t it? I admit I am quite a closed person, yet somehow you have found a way in. Please, let’s just concentrate on our future together, and let me see the man behind the words.

Shaun

I’d love for us to now concentrate on our future together. Just writing those words make me feel so good about us. When I think of you, it’s always with you smiling; us side by side, holding hands. I have such a sense of romance, of serenity, of the magic that is us, of our need of each other. Emily, I have no doubt, we are meant to be.

Emily

I thought we were meant to be too, and still think that.  But we do have to move on from our misunderstanding as I am not here for an up and down relationship. I just want to be happy and for everything to be plain sailing. Is that too much to ask?

Shaun

You are here and I am here and that is all that matters now. For me it’s even more fundamental. What matters most is that we are in touch, that we communicate, that we let our feelings show. What I write to you comes from how I feel deep within, love from a giving heart. Whatever life may bring to me, I already have what means most, the feeling that I am as one with the woman that I love.

Emily

That is a really beautiful message. I feel so very lucky to have you in my life. I can feel your heart is so full of love and kindness. I promise you will find I’m worth the wait. The day will come when we will laugh about this, holding hands together. Goodnight my darling, Shaun.

 

[Source: Believing Sight Unseen ‘His & Hers’ words file]

EDC Shorts: lines – ‘prose’ – poetry #50

Messaging After Dark … #1 of 2

 

Shaun

Whatever the rights and wrongs of us I should not have said goodbye so badly, not said goodbye at all. The disappointment I turned out to be for you I’ve been to myself too. Yes, the cruel words came from me, but they are not me. The feelings I have for you are and always will be real. I’ll not hinder you from moving on other than to say, when, for whatever reason you messaged as if you did not know me on that awful Sunday I was in shock. It was as if all we’d ever said and felt was lost, that we were broken. No excuse, I should not have let you and myself down. I should have acted as the man I really am. I am so sorry, Emily.

Emily

Look, I am a bit confused by all of this to be honest. I thought that we were quite happy and moving along then it all seems to have got a bit miserable. I was just about to go to bed but I’m not going to be sleeping for a while now am I, Shaun.

Shaun

I did not realise it had got so late. I’d lost track of time thinking how to explain, but in no way excuse, the horrible way I had treated you. You had said goodbye with good grace, I to my shame, as an ignorant fool. Sadly, I cannot undo what’s been done, and I accept that at times I must confuse you. These past few weeks, I’ve missed you so very much, missed us being in touch. I’m always wondering how you are, you are always on my mind. I was not sure you would reply, thank you, Emily, it means so much to me.  I’ll not try to second guess you, so please ask me anything and I’ll answer with the truth.

Emily

I would like to ask what you would like to happen now. You say that you have missed me, but you haven’t shown any signs of wanting to talk to me. You must understand what mixed signals you are sending?

Shaun

I do not want to harp on about the past, what has passed between us. But, if I’m honest I feel the need to know if you remember just how long we have had a relationship on here; that you do know me, as I know you. You are the only woman I’ve ever truly romanced, the only woman to have been shown what is in my heart. I want and need you in my life, in any way you can be. What happens now is really up to you, I do not want to lose you.

Emily

I’ve never wanted to lose you, Shaun – you went not me. I think we need to get back to basics and try and get things back on track, but I can’t manage the upset and the hurt anymore, okay. Let’s just see where we can go from here, and forget the past, else we will never move forward.

Shaun

I feel the same, but can’t you see I need reassurance that you really do know me. The uncertainty is where the pain and hurt came from.

Emily

You really don’t have to be like that. I do want to get to know you, but I don’t want it to keep being like this, it doesn’t get us anywhere does it?

Shaun

The thing is you do know me, and have done for a spring and summer. Yes we had stopped and re-started messaging a few times, but never for more than a week or two.  Yet, each time you do not seem to remember much of what had gone before. You know my whole life story – you have been told more on here about me than anyone who has ever met or lived with me. Emily, it matters a great deal to me to know the base we are recovering from, how else can we move on? I’m not testing you, nothing like that, nor asking any questions. I just want you to be open with me so we can make the best of this we can.

Emily

It throws me off every time we stop and start. Every time you come back you blame yourself, and when you go you blame me. I think you would be much the same if it was me doing this to you. You would begin to feel like you never knew where you were. You can’t stop for a few weeks, or whatever, and then expect everything to be as it was. Can’t you see I always have this fear that you will just disappear again. I’m sorry Shaun, I really can’t help thinking that way. There needs to be consistency because you really do make me worry that you would be like this in real time with me.

 

[Source: Believing Sight Unseen ‘His & Hers’ words file]