EDC Shorts: lines – ‘prose’ – poetry #50

Messaging After Dark … #1 of 2



Whatever the rights and wrongs of us I should not have said goodbye so badly, not said goodbye at all. The disappointment I turned out to be for you I’ve been to myself too. Yes, the cruel words came from me, but they are not me. The feelings I have for you are and always will be real. I’ll not hinder you from moving on other than to say, when, for whatever reason you messaged as if you did not know me on that awful Sunday I was in shock. It was as if all we’d ever said and felt was lost, that we were broken. No excuse, I should not have let you and myself down. I should have acted as the man I really am. I am so sorry, Emily.


Look, I am a bit confused by all of this to be honest. I thought that we were quite happy and moving along then it all seems to have got a bit miserable. I was just about to go to bed but I’m not going to be sleeping for a while now am I, Shaun.


I did not realise it had got so late. I’d lost track of time thinking how to explain, but in no way excuse, the horrible way I had treated you. You had said goodbye with good grace, I to my shame, as an ignorant fool. Sadly, I cannot undo what’s been done, and I accept that at times I must confuse you. These past few weeks, I’ve missed you so very much, missed us being in touch. I’m always wondering how you are, you are always on my mind. I was not sure you would reply, thank you, Emily, it means so much to me.  I’ll not try to second guess you, so please ask me anything and I’ll answer with the truth.


I would like to ask what you would like to happen now. You say that you have missed me, but you haven’t shown any signs of wanting to talk to me. You must understand what mixed signals you are sending?


I do not want to harp on about the past, what has passed between us. But, if I’m honest I feel the need to know if you remember just how long we have had a relationship on here; that you do know me, as I know you. You are the only woman I’ve ever truly romanced, the only woman to have been shown what is in my heart. I want and need you in my life, in any way you can be. What happens now is really up to you, I do not want to lose you.


I’ve never wanted to lose you, Shaun – you went not me. I think we need to get back to basics and try and get things back on track, but I can’t manage the upset and the hurt anymore, okay. Let’s just see where we can go from here, and forget the past, else we will never move forward.


I feel the same, but can’t you see I need reassurance that you really do know me. The uncertainty is where the pain and hurt came from.


You really don’t have to be like that. I do want to get to know you, but I don’t want it to keep being like this, it doesn’t get us anywhere does it?


The thing is you do know me, and have done for a spring and summer. Yes we had stopped and re-started messaging a few times, but never for more than a week or two.  Yet, each time you do not seem to remember much of what had gone before. You know my whole life story – you have been told more on here about me than anyone who has ever met or lived with me. Emily, it matters a great deal to me to know the base we are recovering from, how else can we move on? I’m not testing you, nothing like that, nor asking any questions. I just want you to be open with me so we can make the best of this we can.


It throws me off every time we stop and start. Every time you come back you blame yourself, and when you go you blame me. I think you would be much the same if it was me doing this to you. You would begin to feel like you never knew where you were. You can’t stop for a few weeks, or whatever, and then expect everything to be as it was. Can’t you see I always have this fear that you will just disappear again. I’m sorry Shaun, I really can’t help thinking that way. There needs to be consistency because you really do make me worry that you would be like this in real time with me.


[Source: Believing Sight Unseen ‘His & Hers’ words file]

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